“BP is putting a new cap on the leaking oil well. It could capture up to 90 percent of the disgusting filth that’s spewing from there. And if it works, they’re going to try the same thing on Mel Gibson.” – Craig Ferguson
“On the latest Mel Gibson tape, he insults women and uses ethnic slurs and obscenities. I knew Mel was an actor and a director, but apparently he’s also a rapper.” – Jay Leno
“Can you believe another Mel Gibson recording came out? They keep getting more insane. Even bin Laden was like, ‘Hey, I say a lot of things on my tapes, but this guy is crazy, man. I would never talk to any of my wives like that.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“A lot of people continue to be very upset by the fact that we can’t get Osama bin Laden. Osama bin Laden? We can’t even get Roman Polanski.” – Jay Leno
“Well, here’s some information about real estate. Rush Limbaugh had an apartment here in New York City. Sold it for $11.5 million. It has a very narrow view.” – David Letterman
“It overlooks the flaws of the Republican Party.” – David Letterman
“Well, according to a new survey, 49 percent of the people in Iowa want a law like Arizona’s to stop illegal immigration. You know what you call Mexicans in Iowa? Lost.” – Jay Leno
“The World Cup final on Sunday was watched by 24.3 million people in the U.S. In related news, there are at least 24.3 million immigrants living in the U.S.” – Jimmy Fallon
“If you know anything about the big spy swap here in New York City, there were 10 spies and they were running around New York City stealing secrets. They arranged a big spy swap. It was very exciting. We sent them 10 spies, and they sent us four spies, plus a Cuban pitcher.” – David Letterman
“You all know Fidel Castro. Getting to be older. He’s 83. He appeared on Cuban television for the first time in four or five years, and he condemned the United States, he condemned nuclear proliferation, he condemned LeBron James. He went nuts.” – David Letterman
“Yankees owner George Steinbrenner passed away. He was a tough guy. Within five minutes in heaven, he fired God and told Jesus to lose the beard.” – Jay Leno
