“Sunday is July 4, when America combines our two favorite pastimes: alcohol and explosives.” – David Letterman
“July 4 is my favorite holiday. No presents, no church, just a lighter and a trunk full of explosives.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The fireworks are beautiful to look at, but more importantly, they drown out the gunfire.” – David Letterman
“Here’s a fireworks safety tip. Don’t get drunk and leave bottle rockets on the grill unless you want to see your hot dogs fly, which is fun too.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“You know what is in the theaters right now is another movie in the ‘Twilight’ saga. Everybody has got ‘Twilight’ fever. Sarah Palin, former governor of Alaska, was in a helicopter, shooting werewolves.” – David Letterman
“For the second day, there were no World Cup games. I missed the sound of vuvuzelas so much that I taped a beehive to my head.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“But all across the country, it was iPhone mania. Thousands and thousands of people lined up for the new iPhone. Meanwhile, out in Arizona, John McCain was in line for a pay phone.” – David Letterman
“Larry King is leaving ‘Larry King Live’ this fall and the truth is, no one can really fill his shoes — if he even wears shoes. I’ve never seen his feet, I don’t know.” – Jimmy Kimmel
