“Do you know what’s going on down in Washington today? The Senate began the Supreme Court confirmation hearings for Elena Kagan. And tomorrow, my favorite part of the whole procedure, the talent competition. And, I want to tell you something — wait until you hear this woman sing ‘I Dreamed a Dream.'” – David Letterman
“Things in Washington are always so political. President Obama said that the opposition to Elena Kagan seems like ‘pretty thin gruel.’ That’s how he describes the opposition. If you want thick gruel, just go down to the Gulf of Mexico.” – David Letterman
“President Obama met with the Russian president at the White House and afterwards, took him out for a burger. It was a bit awkward because Gen. McChrystal was working behind the counter.” – Jay Leno
“The Russian president wanted to pick up the check, but Obama said, ‘Don’t worry about it, just charge it to our grandchildren.'” – Jay Leno
“So hot down in Washington, D.C., today that President Obama was fanning himself with his birth certificate.” – David Letterman
“Do you know what’s going on up there in Toronto? They’re having the big G-20 summit, and the protesters were up there. They smashed windows; they overturned cars. They just found out the Lakers won.” – David Letterman
“It’s not the G-20 anymore. It’s now the G-19, because Ghana eliminated the United States.” – David Letterman
“The longest-serving member of Congress, Sen. Robert Byrd of West Virginia, died at the age of 92. He may have passed away in 1982, no one is really sure.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Well here’s sad news. Dick Cheney, the former vice president of the United States, was hospitalized over the weekend. This guy has been in the hospital so many times, the cafeteria has named a sandwich after him.” – David Letterman
“Dick Cheney is O.K. Earlier today, he was up and sneering. So he’s fine.” – David Letterman
“Mexico has filed a brief against Arizona’s new immigration law. It’s a precedent because it’s the first immigration law Mexico has paid any attention to.” – Jay Leno
