“General McChrystal was relieved of his duties because of derogatory comments he made about President Obama and other White House staffers. In fact, when he heard that, Joe Biden was shocked and said, ‘What? You can get fired for saying something stupid? What? When’d they start that? Is that new?'” – Jay Leno
“You know about the big change in Afghanistan? General McChrystal did an interview in Rolling Stone and he was talking about how much he didn’t like Joe Biden. He was talking about the Administration. He was trashing everybody. So President Obama calls the guy home from Afghanistan, and they had, like, a sit-down in the White House, in the Oval Office, today. It was very, very intimate. It was the President, it was General McChrystal, the Salahis, and that’s it.” – David Letterman
“But the general, when he showed up, got a very chilly reception, kind of like I did when I came out here.” – David Letterman
“President Obama said today, although he admires McChrystal’s service and dedication to his country, he said, ‘You don’t criticize your bosses.’ Okay, that’s the same reason President Obama never says anything bad about the Chinese.” – Jay Leno
“But the general is in trouble for shooting off his mouth. Once again, another hole Obama can’t plug.” – David Letterman
“So, the bad news for McChrystal is he got fired for insulting the President. But the good news is, Fox said, ‘We’ll hire him.'” – Jay Leno
“Today, President Obama fired General Stanley McChrystal, saying McChrystal showed poor judgment in his Rolling Stone interview. It turns out when it comes to criticizing the White House, the general’s policy is ‘just ask, and I’ll tell.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Actually, McChrystal now saying it was all a misunderstanding. He said he did make the comments in Rolling Stone but they forgot to add the ‘LOL.'” – Jay Leno
“He’s being replaced by General David Petraeus. And when Petraeus got news, he was so excited, he fainted again.” – David Letterman
“On the ‘Today’ show this morning, BP executive Bob Dudley said that CEO Tony Hayward is committed to BP, and BP is committed to Tony Hayward. Oh, good. Because our number one concern here is, how are you guys doing?” – Jimmy Fallon
“The city of Los Angeles now rethinking its boycott of Arizona because the city’s red light cameras are all owned by an Arizona-based company. See, red lights and speed cameras are a big source of revenue for the city. And the boycott of Arizona could mean no more red lights, no more cameras, no more tickets. I’m willing to make that sacrifice.” –Jay Leno
“Starting today, there is a huge rock festival in England. It is called Glastonbury. These days, every country has its own music festival. England has Glastonbury. Here, we have Lollapalooza and Coachella. In North Korea, they have the Kim Jong Ill-ith Fair.” – Craig Ferguson
“In Afghanistan, they have the al Qaeda Palooza. ‘Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for — Kenny G-had!'” – Craig Ferguson
