“People are kind of upset with British Petroleum CEO Tony Hayward. Over the weekend, he was out on his yacht. And when President Obama found out that Tony Hayward was on his yacht, he was so angry, he missed a putt.” – David Letterman
“Tony Hayward on a yacht. Where are the Somali pirates when you need them?” – Jay Leno
“In his defense, Tony twittered that the oil spill was still his top priority. And I think you know that a guy really cares when he tweets from his yacht.” – David Letterman
“President Obama, oh, when he heard this, oh, he was furious. President Obama got so mad, he almost couldn’t finish his round of golf. That’s how bad it was.” – Jay Leno
“While the whole oil mess has been going on, President Obama spent the weekend playing golf with Vice President Biden. Biden’s handicap is 16 and Obama’s handicap is Biden.” – Jimmy Fallon
“And while Obama was playing golf, BP CEO Tony Hayward actually spent his weekend at a ritzy yacht race, where he watched his 52-foot yacht compete. If that’s not bad enough, he was watching it from his 100-foot yacht.” – Jimmy Fallon
“President Obama also went to the White Sox-Nationals game this weekend and actually sang ‘Take Me Out to the Ball Game.’ However, critics were quick to point out that while his singing sounded good, it seemed like he really didn’t say anything.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Well, actually, I tell you, I think it’s hurting him. President Obama is losing support from his own party over the way he’s handling this BP situation. You want to know how bad it is, today, Jimmy Carter compared him to Jimmy Carter.” – Jay Leno
“Because of the success of ‘Toy Story 3,’ Pixar is now rushing ahead with its plans to do a sequel to one of its most popular movies, presented by BP. It’s BP presents ‘Try Finding Nemo Now.'” – Jay Leno
“Remember the Times Square bomber, Faisal Shahzad? He was in court today. And here is where the guy screwed up. He didn’t count on our army of alert T-shirt vendors. And I was thinking, well, it’s too bad we didn’t have them in the Gulf of Mexico.” – David Letterman
“Faisal now faces a couple of charges, including attempted terrorism and conspiracy to double park.” – David Letterman
“It’s rumored that President Obama’s chief of staff, Rahm Emanuel, will leave the White House at the end of the year. He says the work is important to him, but he wants to spend more time screaming at his family.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Sarah Palin has revealed she has tried marijuana, but she did not like it. You know, it’s amazing: 200 million Americans have smoked marijuana. The only ones who don’t like it seem to be elected officials. Ever notice that?” – Jay Leno
“I bet that’s what John McCain was smoking when he picked her. It all makes sense now. Of course!” – Jay Leno
“Oh, and how stupid is this. You know, this state is so broke, they’re just trying to make money any way they can. California lawmakers — this is real — are now considering a bill to allow electronic license plate frames on vehicles that will flash digital commercials. Who is this for? People who want something else to read while driving and texting?” – Jay Leno
