“A congressman actually apologized to BP’s CEO for the way the company has been treated. How stupid are you when the CEO of BP is in the room and people think you’re the moron?” – Jay Leno
“To be fair, it’s not easy for a lot of these congressmen. It’s got to be hard to bite the hand that bribes you.” – Jay Leno
“While testifying before Congress yesterday, BP CEO Tony Hayward called the oil spill a ‘complex accident caused by an unprecedented combination of failures.’ Then he realized he was reading notes left on the stand by a Goldman Sachs executive.” – Jimmy Fallon
“There are rumors that the CEO of BP is saying they might go out of business. Then who will be in charge of not stopping the leak?” – David Letterman
“I’m not going to do any jokes about oil spill-related news, because I thought it might be nice to just pretend for a few minutes that the oil spill isn’t happening. You know, kind of like BP does.” – Jimmy Fallon
“NASA says that there may be 100 times more water on the moon than they thought. There’s so much water that BP is planning to go there and ruin it.” – Craig Ferguson
“This is the first time that two women have been on the International Space Station at the same time. That can only mean one thing: zero-gravity pillow fight.” – Craig Ferguson
“A couple in California got married at Home Depot. I hope they find happiness, because you can’t find anything else at Home Depot.” – David Letterman
“It was the 36th anniversary of the Watergate scandal, when the Republicans broke into the Democratic headquarters looking for their long-term plans and strategies. It also marks the last time anyone thought the Democrats had a plan worth stealing.” – Jay Leno
“Sarah Palin called marijuana a ‘minimal problem’ in America. She admitted that she herself has tried pot, which could explain some of the things she has said over the years. It’s all baked Alaska talk.” – Jimmy Kimmel
