“Yesterday during a press conference, BP chairman Carl-Henric Svanberg caused some controversy when he said BP cares about the ‘small people.’ Part of his new strategy — plug the hole by digging himself into a deeper one.” – Jimmy Fallon
“These British Petroleum guys can’t do anything right. The chairman of BP, Carl-Henric Svanberg, told reporters that sometimes large oil companies are greedy and don’t care, but ‘not BP. We care about the small people.’ That’s what he called the residents of the Gulf — ‘the small people.’ But to be fair, English is not the guy’s first language. Money is.” – Jay Leno
“BP said that the comment was lost in transition from Svanberg’s native Swedish to English. And the Americans were like, ‘We get it. We’ve all tried to assemble something from IKEA. Apology accepted.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“See, the problem is I do believe they care about the small people. Problem is, they don’t care about the big leak.” – Jay Leno
“Well, the sad part is, environmentalists say if this leak continues unabated, some species might become endangered, like Democrats.” – Jay Leno
“And now the other oil companies are turning on BP. While testifying in Washington this week, Exxon executives blamed the Gulf oil spill on lapses by BP. See, that’s when you know things are bad, when Exxon is lecturing you on oil safety, huh? That’s like Heidi Montag saying, ‘Just be yourself.'” – Jay Leno
“Well, the big story, President Obama will set aside $20 billion to pay the victims of the oil spill in the Gulf. Well, that is good news. The bad news — it still comes out to less than, like, a dollar a gallon.” – Jay Leno
“Have you seen President Obama lately? People are saying he’s dying his hair. Right there, that’s a good use for the oil.” – David Letterman
“Tony Hayward. You read about this guy? He’s a little weasel guy. Well, he was testifying before — why do they even call it testifying? Testi-lying, that’s what it was.” – Jay Leno
“Today in Washington, BP CEO Tony Hayward told members of Congress that his company is working to make sure that a spill like this does not happen again. And they have a great plan in place. They’re going out of business.” – Jimmy Fallon
“There is a new bill in the Senate that is upsetting a lot of people. This bill would give the President the power to shut off the Internet. Al Gore is strongly opposed to it. Not because he invented the Internet. Because he did. But because he just signed up for Match.com.” – Craig Ferguson
