“Last night, President Barack Obama spoke from the Oval Office about his plan to clean up the oil spill. Did you folks get a chance to see it? Yeah. Well, I’m glad that problem’s behind us.” – David Letterman
“Last night, President Obama delivered a prime time address on the oil spill. He said his administration ‘has been on top of the situation since Day 51.’ I mean, ‘Day 1 .’ I’m sorry.” – Jay Leno
“President Obama made a lot of promises that he can’t possibly keep. I mean, it’s like he’s campaigning again, really.” – David Letterman
“President Obama told the residents of the Florida coastal area that he is with them for the long haul, or at least until 2012.” – Jay Leno
“Obama said we need a new energy strategy, one with more alternatives, like solar power. I agree. But let’s not forget about lunar power. Remember, the moon is what gives power to werewolves.” – Craig Ferguson
“Now, I know Obama was trying to take the long view, but talking about solar energy in the middle of the oil spill is like watching your house engulfed in flames and saying, ‘We really should change the curtains.'” – Craig Ferguson
“He assured the nation that the gulf will be cleaned up and restored to even greater beauty and prosperity. Well, you know what that means. He’s started drinking. That’s the only possible explanation.” – David Letterman
“President Obama also declared that seafood in the gulf was safe to eat, although he said if you ‘really want to be safe, eat at Long John Silver’s.’ Luckily, batter has not been affected by the spill.” – Jay Leno
“And then today, the president met with BP CEO Tony Hayward, and Obama was demanding that BP clean up the gulf. And I’m thinking, good luck. They can’t even clean up their gas station restrooms.” – David Letterman
“Today, President Obama finally met with BP’s CEO, Tony Hayward, but the meeting was only scheduled 20 minutes. Call me crazy, but I think it should take more time to discuss an oil spill than it does to get your oil checked.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Well, today, President Obama met with that Tony Hayward guy and a couple of other BP executives. The meeting only lasted about 20 minutes, or, in BP terms, 10,000 barrels of oil.” – Jay Leno
“Obama’s not the only one on the hot seat right now. The CEO of BP is taking a lot of flak. His name is Tony Hayward. Today, President Obama had a meeting with Hayward at the White House. It got off to the wrong start. Hayward arrived in a Hummer limo powered by baby seals.” – Craig Ferguson
“I wonder how Obama began that meeting. ‘Thanks for wrecking my presidency, Tony. Want a water or something?'” – Craig Ferguson
“Hayward didn’t take any questions after his White House meeting today. Probably a good thing. He’s great at destroying ecosystems, but not so great at talking. Hayward has said: ‘No one wants this thing over more than I do. I’d like my life back.’ Tony, I’m so sorry you had your summer disrupted. I’d buy you a drink, but you’d probably spill that, too. And make me clean it up.” – Craig Ferguson
“BP had to stop collecting oil for a few hours yesterday after a bolt of lightning struck its ship in the gulf, causing a fire. When asked for a comment, a spokesman for BP was like, ‘So that’s how things could possibly get any worse.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“And then, right after the president’s speech, Sarah Palin, former governor of Alaska, said that we should not demonize the oil companies. Well, I’m glad somebody’s looking out for the little guy.” – David Letterman
“By this point, it’s not even an ‘oil spill’ anymore. Spill is a little accident that can easily be cleaned up. Calling this a ‘spill’ is like calling World War II a ‘tiff.'” – Craig Ferguson
“Now, listen. I’m not naïve about large faceless corporations who destroy everything that’s beautiful. I work here at CBS.” – Craig Ferguson
“A new poll found that Hillary Clinton is now more popular than President Obama. Hillary was like, ‘Look, I don’t pay attention to the silly polls like that — what were the numbers exactly?'” – Jimmy Fallon
“That’s right, Hillary is more popular than Barack. They’re separated by about 10 points, or roughly one billion gallons of crude oil.” – Jimmy Fallon
“You guys, ‘Top Chef D.C.’ premieres tonight on Bravo. I love that show. But since it’s in D.C., the contestants don’t actually cook; they just talk about what they’re going to cook in the future.” – Jimmy Fallon
“China has bought more U.S. debt. They know hold over $900 billion of U.S. debt. A lot of Americans concerned about this because it’s so much. Why are you concerned? It is not like we’re going to pay them back.” – Jay Leno
