“How about that oil slick in the Gulf of Mexico. And you know, the oil slick is going everywhere. So the next time somebody lands on the Hudson, it won’t be that big a deal.” – David Letterman
“The White House said today that BP is moving up its timeline for containing the oil by two weeks. They said they’d get it ‘done, even if they have to work six hours a day, four days a week.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“President Obama is now in the Gulf of Mexico. This is his fourth visit since the spill. So the president has been down there four times. And the head of BP is saying, ‘Well see, it hasn’t affected tourism.'” – David Letterman
“Actually, on Saturday, President Obama had a 30-minute phone call with the British prime minister, David Cameron, about the BP oil spill. The conversation was supposed to stay private, but given that it’s BP, you can probably expect a few leaks.” – Jimmy Fallon
“There’s some good economic news here. Employers plan to hire 5 percent more college graduates this year than in 2009. Unfortunately, almost all these jobs involve rubber gloves, paper towels, and a one-way ticket to the Gulf of Mexico.” – Jimmy Fallon
“The Backstreet Boys are boycotting BP. I think I’ll wait and see what the New Kids on the Block are doing.” – David Letterman
“Hey, have you been following what’s been going on in the South Carolina Democratic primary for the Senate? This is very bizarre. A man named Alvin Greene has won the Democratic primary. But he didn’t go to any campaign events, spent no money, gave no speeches, was kicked out of the Army, he’s unemployed, he lives with his mother, and he’s facing felony charges for showing lewd photos to students. I know. Sounds like a senator to me.” – Jay Leno
“Did you hear about this? In Afghanistan, the U.S. has discovered large deposits of iron, copper, cobalt, gold, and lithium. Or, as most people would call it, ‘not Osama bin Laden.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“The FAA now looking into the possibility of pilotless commercial flights. I guess that they figure if they take away the leg room, the pillows, the blankets, the food, they might as well take away the pilots, too.” – Jay Leno
