“Yesterday, British Petroleum stock dropped $17 billion in value. And the executives at British Petroleum say they have no idea what happened. I kind of have an idea. I kind of think maybe I got a hunch.” – David Letterman
“According to a new report, BP has the worst safety record of all the oil companies. They’ve paid over $372 million in fines. Oh, they don’t call them fines. They call them ‘campaign contributions.'” – Jay Leno
“This afternoon, President Obama met with Bill Gates at the White House to discuss energy reform. It was very cool. Bill Gates offered to plug the Gulf Coast oil leak with five billion unsold Zunes.” – Jimmy Fallon
“But here’s the good news. Actor Kevin Costner was testifying before Congress earlier today. And he has come up with a way to separate oil from seawater. And so he was telling the congressmen all about it. And previously, Kevin Costner developed a process to separate moviegoers from their money.” – David Letterman
“BP, which of course stands for ‘Born Polluted,’ is spending $50 million on a PR campaign to make themselves look good. In fact, they said they would burn the midnight oil if they hadn’t spilled it.” – Jay Leno
“But British Petroleum, they’re getting desperate, so here is what they are going to do to improve their public image: With every 100,000 gallons of oil that leaks, you get a free NFL team glass.” – David Letterman
“Today, the White House announced they have come up with a cheap, effective solution for illegal immigration. They’re going to have Helen Thomas on the border, yelling, ‘Go back to Mexico! Go back to where you came from! Get out!'” – Jay Leno
“Seems Hall and Oates have canceled an upcoming concert in Arizona to protest the state’s new immigration law. Well, that will teach Arizona a lesson, huh? Let’s see how long they can go without Hall and Oates!” – Jay Leno
“Now, apparently, Hall and Oates were worried Arizona authorities would make them go back to where they came from — the ’70s.” – Jay Leno
“You guys heard about Al Gore and Tipper splitting up? Everybody is talking about it. Everyone’s blogging about this, and now there are reports online that his daughter and her husband are splitting up. I bet this is the one week where Al Gore wishes he didn’t invent the Internet.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Voter turnout here in California, all-time historic low. In fact, the polling places near my house had so few people they actually turned it into a Blockbuster video store.” – Jay Leno
“Senator John McCain actually tweeted to Snooki from ‘Jersey Shore,’ an MTV program, after she complained about the tanning bed tax in the new health care law. But, unfortunately, Snooki never got the message because McCain tweeted it off his electric razor.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Yesterday, Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke said the economy appears to be on track to continue to expand through this year and next. And then he said, ‘And you can take that to one of the remaining banks.'” – Jimmy Fallon
