“The oil spill is getting bad. There is so much oil and tar now in the Gulf of Mexico, Cubans can now walk to Miami.” – David Letterman
“B.P.’s CEO Tony Hayward said yesterday that he will not step down over the gulf oil coast spill. Yeah, he said, ‘I mean, it’s not like I let one of the biggest ecological disasters in history happen. Oh, I did? Well, at least my first attempt at cleaning it up worked.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“How about this BP — this BP CEO, what’s his name? Tony Haywire? This guy, oh, man. Making Wile E. Coyote look like a genius, isn’t he?” – Jay Leno
“Even though he’s not stepping down, Tony Hayward is handing over responsibility to the cleanup to an American named Bob Dudley. There’s a name that gives me confidence. It sounds like a sitcom character who’s always messing everything up.” – Jimmy Fallon
“James Cameron has volunteered to go down to the Gulf of Mexico and consult. I love it when a guy who’s an expert in fake disasters gets involved. And if that doesn’t work, they’re going to contact Superman and he’s going to weld the pipe with his X-ray vision.” – David Letterman
“According to BP, this containment cap is now capturing, they’re capturing 10,000 barrels of oil a day. Which is amazing, considering they said it was only leaking 1,000 barrels a day.” – Jay Leno
“BP officials are now saying the campaign to clean it up could last until fall. That’s why they call it a campaign. You know why it’s called a campaign? Because it’s like an election. It’s dirty, it’s slimy, it never seems to end.” – Jay Leno
“BP — they are spending $50 million on an advertisement budget to try and put a PR spin on this whole thing. Like, you hear what they said today? This is unbelievable. They said fishermen down there are catching tuna that are getting 35 miles per gallon.” – Jay Leno
“Using electron microscopes, scientists have now discovered the slowest moving thing on Earth. Turns out, it’s the White House responding to the oil spill.” – Jay Leno
“Today, President Obama spoke at Kalamazoo’s central high school graduation ceremony in Michigan. He told the students they could be anything they want to be, but if they could be oil leak experts, that could be great.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Al Gore and his wife, longtime married couple, are separating. Tipper Gore. And they may get a divorce. Apparently what happened, they experienced global cooling.” – David Letterman
“ABC just announced who’s going to be the next contestant on ‘The Bachelor.’ Surprisingly, Al Gore.” – Jay Leno
“Were you sad to learn that Al Gore and his wife, Tipper — I was. I was a little sad about that. Yeah, according to the report, the two are ‘separating amicably after a long process of careful consideration.’ You know, even his divorce is boring.” – Jay Leno
“Would you have ever guessed that Bill and Hillary would turn out to be Washington’s happiest married couple?” – Jay Leno
“Rush Limbaugh got married over the weekend. This is actually his fourth marriage; he blames the first three breakups on Obama.” – Craig Ferguson
“Rush Limbaugh got married for the fourth time on Saturday. He’s 59; she’s 33. So, I’m doing the math. That means when she’s 40, he’ll be on wife No. 7.” – Jay Leno
“Here now the official Rush Limbaugh wedding announcement. Rush Limbaugh wed Kathryn Rogers in a quiet Florida ceremony on Saturday. The bridegroom is a controversial radio host and an influential opinion leader in the conservative movement in the United States. The bride is clearly insane.” – David Letterman
“Congratulations to Rush Limbaugh, who got married for the fourth time on Saturday. It was so romantic — so romantic. First, the couple wrote their own vows and then they wrote their own prescriptions.” – Jimmy Fallon
“You know who sang at Rush Limbaugh’s wedding? Elton John! According to Rush, gay people can sing at weddings. Just not their own.” – Craig Ferguson
“Veteran White House reporter Helen Thomas has just resigned after she said Israelis should get quote, ‘get the hell out of Palestine.’ Thomas hasn’t been in this much trouble since she told President Lincoln to stop whining and put a band-aid on it.” – Jimmy Fallon
“White House reporter Helen Thomas is retiring after making some quite controversial comments about Israel. She said Jews should leave the Middle East and go back to where they came from. The problem is that’s where they came from.” – Jay Leno
“They nabbed a couple of terrorists right here at JFK. And these guys have been training to become terrorists. They go to JFK, and they are boarding separate flights and they are going to go to Egypt and meet some buddies of theirs in Somalia. And I said well, no red flags there.” – David Letterman
“To give you an idea now the level, the quality of training that the terrorists are getting: These two guys trained every weekend to become terrorists by playing paint ball. If they got really good at paint ball, Al Qaeda would let them plant a bomb in a go-kart.” – David Letterman
“It was just announced that President Obama is going to visit India this November in response to Prime Minister Singh’s invitation. So, mostly, he’s going over there to visit our jobs.” – Jimmy Fallon
“This week, Vice President Joe Biden is on the first leg of his African tour which includes visits to Egypt, Kenya and South Africa. The second leg of the tour will be when he goes back to all of the countries to apologize for everything he said during the first leg.” – Jimmy Fallon
“A new study shows that language programs in U.S. schools are lagging behind. Not enough kids are learning foreign languages in America. In fact, here in LA, the schools have cut foreign language classes completely. Did you know that? Everyone just speaks Spanish now.” – Jay Leno
“With e-mails and texting and Twitter, we don’t use paper anymore. We’re become a paperless society, except perhaps in Arizona.” – Craig Ferguson
