“After 40 years, Al and Tipper Gore have split up. Nobody knows why, but there is a rumor today that Al came home early last week and found another man’s carbon footprints.” – Bill Maher
“They could tell he was lonely as of late because when he’d hug a tree, he’d linger.” – Bill Maher
“New Rule: Al and Tipper Gore can’t split up the same week as Heidi breaks up with Spencer. Unless they swap. Al and Heidi would be perfect together. He won the popular vote but lost the election, and she can’t count. He wants to change the world and she can’t move her face.” – Bill Maher
“Rush Limbaugh is getting married this weekend for the fourth time … It’s a traditional wedding. Well, not that traditional. They say instead of throwing rice, throw Vicodin.” – Bill Maher
“Sir Paul McCartney played at the White House last night. He dedicated the Beatles song ‘Michelle’ to the First Lady. Isn’t that lovely? And then for Joe Biden, he played ‘Fool on the Hill.'” – Craig Ferguson
“A very romantic moment at the White House yesterday. Did you see Paul McCartney? He sang Michelle to Michelle Obama. That went over great. But then his other choice of songs, in light of what’s going on with the President, he sang, ‘Fixing a Hole’, ‘Octopus’ Garden’, ‘Yellow Submarine.'” – Bill Maher
“BP was kind of bragging about it today … the top hat. Oh yeah, they put a top hat on it, was collecting about 6% of the oil. Yes, they found a solution that stops as much oil as the margin of error. It lets 94% of the oil through. It was built by the same people who built the Mexican border fence.” – Bill Maher
“President Obama today met with Arizona Governor Jan Brewer to talk about illegal immigration. Governor Brewer surprised everyone in this meeting by having the President deported.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“They came out with this jobs report. This is terrible, all the new jobs it turns out are Census jobs, temporary Census jobs. The bright side: Those skill you learn as a Census taker going door to door, could launch a lucrative career as a Jehovah’s Witness.” – Bill Maher
“The alarming thing is that the numbers say that a lot of people have just given up looking for work entirely. And Obama tried to lift people’s spirits today. He said, ‘It could be worse, you could be a pelican.'” – Bill Maher
“People want (Obama) to be madder. His press secretary said he was enraged today. He was on Larry King, last night, and he said, “I am furious.’ He said ‘I am so angry, I have asked Rahm Emanuel to unleash a string of obscenities on my behalf.'” – Bill Maher
One Comment
Why is it that people are always complaining about ‘being in debt’, it is the biggest issue facing bankruptcies and people becoming homeless, the prevention of which is not covered by the US CONSTITUTION and is considered COMMUNISM (ironic considering no qualms with purchasing Chinese goods, India’s services)……punch line……and governments keep telling people to buck up and start SPENDING themselves out of this ‘recession’. Economists notice anything unusual and not-talked-about here? (rhetorical)