“The Gulf oil spill, now officially the worst in U.S. history. In fact, they’re calling this the biggest environmental disaster since the State of New Jersey.” – Jay Leno
“Today, President Obama flew to Louisiana to see the gulf cleanup effort firsthand. And it was just like President Bush’s trip to Louisiana, except Obama actually landed.” – Jimmy Fallon
“The president finally arrived on the Gulf Coast today to survey the damage. I thought this was telling, while he was there, FEMA arrived for Katrina. … And George Bush saw him on TV. He called him up and said, ‘You’re doing a heck of a job, Brownie.'” – Bill Maher
“Obama called the Gulf Coast oil spill ‘an assault on our shores.’ And then he said the same thing about fat dudes in Speedos.” – Jimmy Fallon
“As you know, we’re right in the middle of a process called ‘top kill.’ Doesn’t it sound like some bad Steven Seagal movie from the ’80s?” – Jay Leno
“BP says if ‘top kill’ fails, they’ll try something called the ‘junk shot.’ Hey, worked last night for the Lakers.” – Jay Leno
“Sarah Palin weighed in on her Facebook page. She demanded that Obama ‘plug the damn hole.’ You first, Sarah.” – Bill Maher
“It’s been a rough day in the stock market. It’s so bad, today, President Obama had to lay off two teleprompters.” – Jay Leno
“A new study found that the average person has lost an hour of sleep at night during the recession. Luckily, most of them can just sleep in late the next day.” – Jimmy Fallon
“The economy is so bad, Joe Biden had to cash in his swear jar.” – Jay Leno
“The economy is so bad, I saw the governor of Arizona eating at Taco Bell.” – Jay Leno
“This is a crazy story. An American adventurist strapped himself to a bunch of helium balloons and floated from England to France. Immediately afterward, people in Mexico asked, ‘Exactly how many balloons?'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Well, there’s a big new scandal going on. Have you heard about this? Republicans are now saying that President Obama had Bill Clinton offer a job to Pennsylvania’s Joe Sestak in exchange for dropping out of the Pennsylvania Senate race against Arlen Specter. It’s kind of complicated. But if it’s true, it’s an impeachable offense. That’s what they’re saying. They’re comparing it to the Clinton impeachment. Close, but no cigar.” – Jay Leno
