“Well, folks, here’s the latest update. I guess this is good news. BP officials say the ‘top kill’ plan is working. The bad news — BP officials are a bunch of lying weasels.” – Jay Leno
“A new poll found that 43 percent of Americans think President Obama is doing a good job at handling the BP oil spill. Of course, the same poll found that 43 percent of Americans hate pelicans.” – Jimmy Fallon
“British Petroleum is still trying to minimize the PR damage. You know what they said today? They said all the oil that spilled this month is on the house. No charge.” – Jay Leno
“And today at a press conference, Obama said that the government does not have better technology than BP. That’s a nice thing to announce to the world, that our government has fewer resources than a company that tried to plug a hole with a ‘top hat.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Obama looked pretty mad, if you watched his press conference today. President Obama said the head the Federal agency in charge of regulating the oil company is no longer there, but he didn’t know if she resigned or if she was fired. Didn’t know if she resigned or was fired. I got a better idea. How about arrested? Let’s try that.” – Jay Leno
“In fact, President Obama fired the head of the Mineral Management Services, because of lack of oversight of offshore oil rigs. It’s got to be tough finding another job after that. It’s like, ‘I see you were head of the department in charge of preventing oil spills? And this was during the huge oil spill?’ ‘Yeah, that’s right.’ ‘You may not be Wendy’s material.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“And a new study shows that fathers can suffer a form of postpartum depression after their child is born, especially if they’re John Edwards.” – Jay Leno
