“Earlier today, British Petroleum began this operation known as ‘top kill,’ which comes on the heels of their previous operations, ‘fish kill’ and ‘bird kill.'” – Jay Leno
“And now, here’s something that’s going to get a lot of people upset. It turns out according to a report by the Interior Department Inspector General, employees of the Federal agency that inspects these offshore oil rigs accepted gifts from the oil companies. And you know who arranged the payoffs? Fergie.” – Jay Leno
“According to a White House report, President Obama becoming more and more frustrated by this whole oil leak thing. He lost his temper today. He reportedly yelled at people, ‘Plug the damn hole!’ That’s the same thing he says whenever Joe Biden starts talking.” – Jay Leno
“President Obama announced yesterday he plans to send 1,200 troops to the U.S.-Mexican border. You know who we should hire to protect our border? It’s so simple. Mexicans. They want jobs, they’re there already.” – Jay Leno
“Last night was the finale of ‘Dancing With the Stars’ and Kate Gosselin made an appearance. I don’t want to say it was bad, but this morning, the Pakistani Taliban took credit for it.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Well, Memorial Day weekend is ahead. I know it’s only Wednesday, but you want to get a jump on being stuck at the airport for 24 hours.” – David Letterman
“Memorial Day is the day we honor military heroes with a mattress blowout sale at Sleepy’s.” – David Letterman
