“Good news in the oil situation. BP said they found a way to start breaking up their oil slick. The bad news is it involves a toxic chemical called Corexit 9527A. Apparently this is moving us further from a solution and closer to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.” – Bill Maher
“BP is saying that the oil leak is bigger than they estimated. In a related story, the executives at BP are far bigger idiots than we estimated.” – Jay Leno
“BP said today that in the worst-case scenario, it would take until August to clean up the Gulf Coast. That’s not so bad. I mean, who goes in the ocean during the summer anyway?” – Jimmy Fallon
“Sunday, listen to this, they’re going to try something new. They’re going to try what they call a ‘top kill.’ That’s where they shove a fluid that looks a lot like mud down into the well. I hope this works because the next idea involves Bruce Willis and an asteroid.” – Bill Maher
“Octomom Nadya Suleman has a PETA sign in her front yard that encourages people to have their pets spayed or neutered. Isn’t that kind of like BP putting out a sign that says ‘Don’t pee in the pool?'” – Jimmy Fallon
“How to describe Rand Paul? I mean, he’s a doctor. It’s as if Sarah Palin somehow made it through medical school.” – Bill Maher
“He’s an ophthalmologist, he does a lot of Lazik surgery, and he has a lot of interesting points of view. Like he thinks Obama, because he went to Copenhagen where they were talking about global warming, is apologizing for the industrial revolution. He’s against the Americans With Disabilities Act. He says restaurants should be able to refuse service to black people. And today, he said Obama was un-American for getting on BP’s case for the oil spill. I tell you, the sh*t doesn’t fall far from the bat.” – Bill Maher
“Every time this guy opens his mouth, it gets a little crazier. Today he angrily demanded that the liberal media stop quoting him in context.” – Bill Maher
“I guess he’s trying to get the press to get off the racism thing, so his big thing today was that the oil spill in the Gulf was the blame game. He said, ‘Sometimes accidents happen.’ Which is not really what you want to hear from the guy who’s doing your Lasik surgery.” – Bill Maher
“Elena Kagan is the new Supreme Court nominee. If she’s not confirmed, she is a Mets fan, so she’s used to disappointment.” – David Letterman
“President Obama’s big financial reform bill passed. From now on, bankers will be required to dress like robbers.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“They put a cap on ATM transaction fees, though a lot of the senators didn’t want to discuss it because they’ve never used an ATM. The Senate has mobile cash machines — they’re called ‘lobbyists.'” – Jimmy Kimmel
“A very embarrassing moment for Connecticut Attorney General Richard Blumenthal, who was running for the Senate. He’s the guy who lied about his war record. He was overheard telling his wife, ‘After the campaign, let’s take a vacation and go somewhere I’ve never been.’ She said, ‘How about Vietnam?'” – Jay Leno
