“The Pulitzer Prize for fiction was handed out today, given to Connecticut Attorney General Richard Blumenthal for his Vietnam War memoir.” – Jay Leno
“Well, that’s the big story in Connecticut. Their attorney general, Richard Blumenthal, who was considered a shoo-in for his race for the U.S. Senate, is now under fire for claiming that he served in Vietnam when he really didn’t. Turns out he has no war record at all. In fact, only combat experience? Shooting himself in the foot.” – Jay Leno
“Well, the truth is he got five deferments, like Dick Cheney. Then he used connections to get into a special reserve unit, like George Bush. And he would have been fine, if he hadn’t lied like John Edwards.” – Jay Leno
“Some good news today for Blumenthal. Because of all the trouble he’s in for lying, he was offered a job as spokesman for British Petroleum.” – Jay Leno
“I love this. On the news today, the CEO of British Petroleum says he believes the overall environmental impact of this oil spill will be very, very modest. Yeah. If you live in England!” – Jay Leno
“BP has inserted a siphon tube into the well to suck up all the oil from the spill. And they’ve had a lot of experience in this area, by the way. This is the same tube they’ve been using to suck the money out of our wallets for the past 50 years.” – Jay Leno
“In Louisiana, BP claims that it’s making progress with the leaking oil in the Gulf. They’re working on a plan to heat the Gulf up to 600 degrees and use it to fry chicken.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“During a speech in Ohio yesterday, President Obama reminded the crowd that the economy was much worse a year ago. Then the crowd reminded him that he was already president a year ago.” – Jimmy Fallon
“And in welcoming Mexico’s president, Felipe Calderon, to the White House today, President Obama told him, ‘We are not defined by our borders.’ The president of Mexico said, ‘What borders?'” – Jay Leno
“Actually, one embarrassing moment with the Mexican president happened when Obama said, ‘Let us all stand together,’ and the governor of Arizona said: ‘There he is. Grab him!'” – Jay Leno
“John McCain of Arizona is facing a tough re-election campaign. The key issue is illegal immigration. I don’t want to say McCain is old, but in his first election, the illegal immigrants were white people, O.K.” – Jay Leno
“You know Faisal Shahzad, the Times Square bomber, he appeared in court yesterday, his first court appearance here in New York. He was escorted into court by two federal T-shirt vendors.” – David Letterman
“Thousands of bees swarmed the White House on Sunday morning. And President Obama doesn’t miss a trick. He is smart. Because all these bees were worker bees, he’s now counted them as 10,000 new jobs he’s created.” – Jay Leno
“Another show canceled right here at CBS, ‘The Ghost Whisperer.’ Every week, the ghost whisperer would run errands for dead people. This week, you tune in, she’s trying to find a job for Arlen Specter.” – David Letterman
“Did you hear about this? An Indiana congressman, Mark Souder, was forced to resign because of a sex scandal. Oh, buddy. Here’s the score now — Republicans 22, Democrats 17. It’s getting closer.” – David Letterman
“Eliot Spitzer may get his own show on CNN. It would be quite a switch for somebody else to be paying him for an hour.” – David Letterman
