“Scientists say they have developed a car that can run on water. The only catch is, the water has to come from the Gulf of Mexico.” – Jay Leno
“Have you folks heard about the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico? Here’s what they’re doing now. They got a one-mile-long suction hose. It was flown down to the gulf on Friday by Superman.” – David Letterman
“And what they’re going to do is they’re going to suck all of that oil that’s leaking into the gulf and pump it up into a tanker. Now the bad news is the tanker is the Exxon Valdez.” – David Letterman
“British Petroleum is starting to get a little defensive. Have you heard their new slogan? ‘Yeah, like you never spilled anything before.'” – Jay Leno
“In a new interview, BP’s CEO said that the Gulf Coast oil spill is relatively tiny compared to the ‘very big ocean.’ That’s like telling someone who’s just been shot not to worry about the bullet because they’re really, really fat.” – Jimmy Fallon
“For the first time ever, an Arab-American woman has been named Miss U.S.A. Her name is Rima Fakih from Dearborn, Mich. She says she hopes winning this title will finally help get her name off the no-fly list.” – Jay Leno
“Did you see the new Miss U.S.A. pageant over the weekend. Miss Michigan won. Congratulations to Miss Michigan. And, well, it gets better. John McCain has already selected her as his 2012 running mate.” – David Letterman
“Sadly, Miss Arizona could not be there. She was being detained by the authorities.” – David Letterman
“Arizona may lose its hockey team. Apparently, here’s what happened. Authorities became suspicious that some of the players were Canadian.” – David Letterman
“Well, at a rally in Arizona this weekend, Sarah Palin said, ‘We’re all Arizonans now’ — at which point, every immigrant in Arizona was like, ‘So, we can stay?'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Sarah Palin and President Bush have new books coming out this fall. You know what that means? This could plunge America into a huge crayon shortage.” – Jay Leno
“Detroit Mayor Dave Bing has begun to make the city more livable by demolishing 10,000 vacant homes. This will break the record for destroying homes, currently held by Countrywide Mortgage.” – Jay Leno
“A woman in Texas was arrested for shooting at a census worker who wouldn’t leave her property. The census worker was pretty committed to her job, though. Even as she was being fired at, she was like, ‘Is that your only firearm? Do you share it with a loved one, a spouse, or a common-law partner?'” – Jimmy Fallon
“We have as a guest tonight Archbishop Desmond Tutu. I’m going to ask the question that’s on everyone’s mind: ‘As a bishop, do you always have to move diagonally?'” – Craig Ferguson
“Desmond Tutu is from South Africa, which I think is a fantastic name for a country, because it tells you exactly where it is.” – Craig Ferguson
