“Does anyone here remember the Gulf of Mexico? Well, it’s gone.” – David Letterman
“President Obama said he’s angry and frustrated with the oil spill in the Gulf and the oil companies behind it. He said he’s tired of all the finger-pointing — then he blamed the Bush administration for everything.” – Jay Leno
“We’re still dropping things on it. This is like if your toilet over-flowed and you tried to fix it by smashing it with a brick. Their next idea is to get the old lady from Titanic and she’s going to throw her jewelry at it.” – Bill Maher
“This has not been a good day if you’re a BP stockholder with playoff tickets for game seven with the Cavaliers.” – Jay Leno
“The oil company said it was the rig company’s fault. The rig company said it was Halliburton. And somehow, each time they passed the blame, Goldman Sachs made a hundred million dollars.” – Bill Maher
“Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan has never argued in a court before. But being from New York, she’s argued in delis, cabs, airports, etc.” – David Letterman
“She apparently was so motivated to be on the Supreme Court that there are pictures of her in her high school yearbook wearing judge’s robes. I mean, there are some people who say it’s weird to know what you want that early in life. I disagree. Because there are pictures of me in my high school yearbook where I am completely high.” – Bill Maher
“Elena Kagan is very smart. For instance, she knew back in the ’90s that Ricky Martin was gay.” – David Letterman
“Phoenix, Ariz. is getting its first-ever Hispanic bishop. He will be appointed July 19, and then deported July 20.” – Jay Leno
“Nancy Pelosi told Catholic leaders they need to support the Democratic version of immigration reform, and to preach it from the pulpit. She would have said more but she had to leave to attend a rally for the separation of church and state.” – Jay Leno
“They passed a bill … banning public schools now from offering any courses in ethnic studies. It’s funny, you know, they never say they’re targeting Mexicans specifically, but I think we get that idea. Today they passed a bill that said beans can only be fried once.” – Bill Maher
“[Rev. George Rekers] said, ‘I have not engaged in any homosexual behavior whatsoever.’ But you know what dude, when you go to a website called RentBoy.com, which he did, and that website says, ‘For the tightest asses on the internet, click here’ -– and then you click there -– I think that’s homosexual behavior.” – Bill Maher
“Just in time for Christmas, the queen of ‘Drill Baby Drill,’ Sarah Palin, has a new book out. It was announced this week. It’s called, America By Heart: Reflections on Family, Faith and Flag. And for Sarah, that’s two books in two years, or as she calls it, her trilogy.” – Bill Maher
“‘Robin Hood’ opens this weekend. Robin Hood is famous for stealing from the rich and giving to the poor, which made him a folk hero in 12th century England. Nowadays, we call that sort of thing ‘communism.’ If someone was stealing from the rich and giving to the poor in America, Glenn Beck would go insane — more insane.” – Craig Ferguson
