“How about that oil spill in the gulf? They were going to put down what they called a containment platform, and they were going to lower it into the gulf. But that didn’t work. So now, British Petroleum wants to try something else. It’s a smaller containment device called the top hat. They get the top hat on the well, and then they’re going to get John Wilkes Booth to shoot at it.” – David Letterman
“Well, the latest plan was to cover the leak with another concrete dome, a smaller one called a top hat. Who came up with this idea, Mr. Moneybags, from the Monopoly game? What’s next, the giant thimble?” – Jay Leno
“BP, Transocean and Halliburton are blaming each other for the Gulf of Mexico oil spill. They are all right.” – Jay Leno
“Now, according to The Wall Street Journal, a new study says a parent should not be alarmed if their child tells a lie. They say it’s a natural part of development and there are three phases — adolescent lying, young adult lying, and of course, oil executive lying. That is the biggest.” – Jay Leno
“These people make Goldman Sachs look responsible, don’t they?” – Jay Leno
“BP is going to try to stop the leak by pushing garbage into it. Oh, yeah, they haven’t screwed up the gulf enough, let’s fill it with garbage, too.” – Jay Leno
“Prison inmates in Louisiana are now pitching in to clean up the Gulf Coast oil spill. At this point, the solutions have been dump chemicals in the ocean, shoot a bunch of garbage under water and release prisoners. If none of that works, they’re going to have Al Qaeda come take a look at it.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Good news from the world of publishing. Sarah Palin, former governor of Alaska, has a new book coming out this fall. The warning came from an alert T-shirt vendor.” – David Letterman
“Sarah Palin has a new book coming out called ‘America by Heart: Reflections on Family, Faith and Flag.’ Coincidentally, Faith and Flag are the names Palin picked out if she ever has twins.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Well, the Senate today voted to toughen standards for home loans. Under these new standards, lenders would have to verify that borrowers can repay the loan. Let’s just hope China doesn’t adopt this.” – Jay Leno
“Police in Cairo have detained an American man who arrived on a flight from JFK with two handguns, 250 bullets, swords, daggers and knives in his luggage. When they heard this, JFK screeners were like, ‘Sure he had all these things, but here’s what he didn’t have — bottled water or nail clippers.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Glenn Beck has Nazi Tourette’s.” – Lewis Black
