“It looks like the next Supreme Court justice could be a New Yorker. Her name is Elena Kagan. She has never argued before a judge before. But living in New York City, you know, she’s argued in cabs, she’s argued in subways, she’s argued in delis, she’s argued in her apartment, she’s yelled at her super, she’s argued in line.” – David Letterman
“It is a great day for America’s Supreme Court. President Obama just nominated Elena Kagan to be the next Supreme Court justice. He went against the advice of Joe Biden. Biden wanted Iron Man.” – Craig Ferguson
“President Obama has picked Solicitor General Elena Kagan as his Supreme Court nominee. America does not know a whole lot about her. All we know at this point is during the last ‘Twilight’ movie, she was ‘Team Jacob.'” – Jay Leno
“The British elections were last Thursday, but they still don’t know who’s running the country. The whole country is topsy-turvy. People are skipping afternoon tea. Some have even taken to brushing their teeth.” – Craig Ferguson
“Britain’s current prime minister, Gordon Brown, announced that he is stepping down and his replacement might be the education secretary, a gentleman named Ed Balls. I would like to make a plea on behalf of late night talk show hosts and bad comedians everywhere — I implore the voters of Britain to make sure that happens. ” – Craig Ferguson
“I’m glad here in the U.S. we always know who’s running things. Oprah.” – Craig Ferguson
“Hey, the government announced today they’re making big changes to the do-not-fly list. Apparently, asking terrorists to be on the honor system has not been working. So now they’re going to start cracking down.” – Jay Leno
“It’s interesting: U.S. investigators are trying to understand how the Times Square bomber took numerous trips back and forth to Pakistan even though the guy’s name was on the no-fly list. Know what I think happened? I think the government confused the no-fly list with the ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ list.” – Jay Leno
“Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood said today the Obama administration will soon reopen the U.S. border to Mexican trucks. Of course, this came a huge shock to Mexican truck drivers. They didn’t even know it was closed.” – Jay Leno
“The Obama administration has revealed the size of America’s nuclear arsenal. The U.S. has 5,113 warheads, approximately 1,000 of them aimed at China, 1,000 aimed at Russia, and the rest, of course, aimed at Fox News.” – Jay Leno
“The State Department now has warned against travel to the tribal regions of Pakistan. There goes my summer vacation.” – David Letterman
“British Petroleum said today that if this spill gets worse, they may soon have to start drilling for water.” – Jay Leno
“Well, in China, the one child limit may be on its way out because Chinese experts say there aren’t enough babies in the country anymore. To give you an idea how bad it’s getting, some factories over there are now being forced to hire adults.” – Jay Leno
