“This oil spill in the Gulf is affecting everybody. In fact, when I went to lunch this weekend and ordered the sea bass, they asked if I wanted it regular or unleaded.” – David Letterman
“This is going to be the biggest environmental disaster ever. You know what that means? More bonuses.” – David Letterman
“Although it seems like nothing is getting accomplished in the Gulf, and the situation is getting worse every day, the government has been involved in the clean-up effort since the beginning. They said that, as proof of their involvement, nothing has really been accomplished and the situation is getting worse every day.” – Jay Leno
“George Rekers, the co-founder of a far-Right Christian group called the Family Research Council, sounds very scientific. It’s not. This man devoted his life to curing homosexuality. And you know, people have to stop saying that just because someone is an anti-gay activist they might be gay. They’re definitely gay! They are 100% sausage-smoking, Barbara Streisand-loving, Project Runway-ready gay.” – Bill Maher
“Mr. George Rekers was caught this week on a European vacation with a 20 year-old male hooker. And his excuse, the first excuse, was that he needed someone to carry his luggage. … Rekers said he could have just bought one of those rolling suitcases, but they look so gay.” – Bill Maher
“There’s speculation that the 1,000-point drop in the Dow may have been sparked by a typo, where someone entered ‘billion’ instead of ‘million’ on a trading order. Economists are saying a single letter hasn’t caused this many problems since the letter ‘Dubya.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“One guy can do a billion dollar transaction and a manager doesn’t have to approve it? If I try to pay with a fifty at Starbucks, it turns into a four man operation.” – Amy Poehler
“The stock market crisis is so bad that Wall Street is starting to look like Wal-Mart Street.” – Jay Leno
“Why is it that whenever something happens to the people that should’ve seen it coming didn’t see coming, it’s blamed on one of these rare, once in a century, perfect storms that for some reason take place every f*cking two weeks. I’m beginning to think these are not perfect storms. I’m beginning to think these are regular storms and we have a sh*tty boat.” – Jon Stewart
“Greece has a national debt that is so large, they can never pay it back. Well, thank God that can never happen here.” – Jay Leno
“The crisis in Greece is being blamed on overspending, but the government claims that the spending is necessary to stimulate the economy, according to Greek President Barack Obama-opolous.” – Jay Leno
“I love you Greece, but your retirement age is 54. Really? Greek people in America work the register at the diner til they die.” – Tina Fey
“New Rule: If President Obama is going to keep saying, ‘We will not be terrorized,’ he has to show he means it by letting us take our gels and liquids back on the plane. Hey, we’re Americans, of course we’re terrified—being afraid is what we do best. The stars and stripes should be replaced by Shaggy and Scooby-Doo, running for their lives.” – Bill Maher
“The Arizona government is very defensive about its new immigration law. They are being accused of just looking for Mexicans. The Arizona government says, ‘No, earlier today we were rounding up Germans.'” – David Letterman
