“How about that Times Square bomber? Now, I’m no genius, but this guy left his house keys in the bomb car. It was the one flaw in an otherwise perfect crime.” – David Letterman
“I just read the hilarious re-post made by a locksmith in Washington DC about the Times Square bomber. The suspect says he left a getaway car near Times Square but was unable to use it on Saturday because he left the keys in the Pathfinder. That had to be a weird call to OnStar, right? ‘Hello, OnStar. What is your emergency?’ ‘Oh, man, you are not going to believe this. So, I’m trying to blow up Times Square, right? I am in such a hurry to escape I totally locked the keys in my car. It’s just one of those days.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Hey, it turns out the prime suspect in the failed attempt to bomb Times Square is not the brightest. They figured out the events leading up to Saturday. First, Faisal Shahzad buys an SUV off Craigslist, using a traceable email, and fills it with, basically, wedding sparklers. Then he drives two different cars into New York — the one with the bomb in it and a getaway car. He plants the bomb but leaves the keys to the getaway car in the car with the bomb in it. So he has to take the subway home. And then, once he gets home, he realizes he also left the key to his apartment in the SUV with the bomb in it, and has to get his landlord to let him in. If this isn’t the work of a stoner, I don’t know what is.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“But there is some good news for Faisal Shahzad. Today he was told that he made the Taliban blooper reel.” – David Letterman
“At first the Taliban claimed credit and then as the week went on and we found out about this guy they said, ‘No, we have nothing to do with him.’ … The Taliban said, ‘The next time we want to wreak mass destruction on America, we’ll hire BP.'” – Bill Maher
“We should probably let him out and go join the Taliban. He could destroy them from within.” –Jimmy Kimmel
“Well, as a result of the Times Square bomber, there is a new policy regarding the no-fly list. They’re actually going to start reading them now.” – Jay Leno
“Well, this Faisal Shahzad managed to get on the plane because the airline workers used an out of date do not fly list. But the good news? There is no way Lee Harvey Oswald was getting on that plane, I’ll tell you that.” – Jay Leno
“The car bomb was fertilizer, gasoline, fireworks and propane tanks, still safer than a Toyota.” –Bill Maher
“This guy had some sort of training over there in Pakistan, You get the feeling when they showed him how to make the car bomb he said great, now how do I get the SUV on the plane.” –Bill Maher
“The stock market took a dive today. It was so bad, Goldman Sachs had to lay off three congressmen.” – Jay Leno
“More news out of New York. The new Broadway play about Enron didn’t get any major Tony nominations and will lose $4 million when it closes on Sunday. In other words, it was a major success compared to the real Enron.” – Jimmy Fallon
“And to protest Arizona’s tough new immigration law, a lot of people now boycotting products made in that state. This could cripple the bolo tie industry.” – Jay Leno
“Is that a good idea? Boycotting products made in Arizona? I can’t find any products made in America. Forget Arizona.” – Jay Leno
“The good news is the Border Patrol has finally come up with a way to stop the illegal immigration. They’re going to hire security guards from the Phillies game to just taser people as they come through.” – Jay Leno
“British Petroleum says they’re going to try and stop that huge oil leak in the ‘Gulf of Texaco’, as I call it. They’re going to put a big box over the leak. I mean, who came up with this, Wile E. Coyote?” – Jay Leno
