“Have you guys been following the whole oil disaster? Yesterday, President Obama said: ‘Let me be clear. BP is responsible for this leak. BP will be paying the bill.’ And BP was like: ‘Ah, bailout? Right?'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Anybody from the Gulf of Mexico area? It’s going to be the biggest ecological disaster on the history of the planet. And today, a tourist thought they saw a blowfish in the Gulf of Mexico. Turned out to be a flounder holding its breath.” – David Letterman
“And the oil from that oil rig that exploded in the Gulf of Mexico spewing five times as much oil as first was estimated. When former President George W. Bush heard about this, he said: ‘Wait a minute. You mean we have oil here?'” – Jay Leno
“British Petroleum says that they have a plan now to clean up the vast oil spill. You know what it is? Hot tub time machine.” – David Letterman
“Today, British Petroleum said they’re doing everything they can to control this leak. Really? Two hundred thousand gallons? That’s a leak? The pipe under my bathroom. That’s a leak, O.K.? This is a gusher.” – Jay Leno
“And the environmental impact from this is unbelievable. They say a lot of birds are trying to leave the area. And, today, Arizona issued a warning — any birds flying in from out of state will be stopped and arrested.” – Jay Leno
“As you know, Arizona has passed the strictest immigration law in the country. It’s scaring everybody. In fact, today, Taco Bell changed their name to Skippy’s.” – Jay Leno
“Over the weekend, there were huge marches to protest Arizona’s new immigration law. If you don’t know, Arizona’s new law says police have to ask anyone for immigration papers if reasonable suspicion can be found that they’re in the country illegally. But what’s reasonable suspicion? One Arizona lawmaker said, ‘Illegal immigrants are easy to spot because of their clothes.’ Really? I know it was obvious with me when I got off the plane because I was wearing Speedos, of course.” – Craig Ferguson
“The state of Arizona is the subject of a lot of controversy because of this new immigration law they passed. There were big demonstrations all around the country yesterday protesting it. Many people believe it’s potentially racist, but the state announced today that despite the controversy, they’re still planning to move ahead with their annual Cinco de Mayo party. I guess it’s sort of a going-away thing.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Hey, if I was Latino, I don’t think I would go to this. ‘Don’t worry. Get on these buses. We’ll take you to the party. It’ll be a lot of fun.'” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Something very suspicious happened over the weekend. A car parked at, like, 45th and Broadway, very suspicious. And I’ll tell you the most suspicious thing about the whole episode was that the guy found a parking place.” – David Letterman
“Well, as you know — this is pretty serious — somebody tried to detonate an SUV rigged with explosives in Times Square. SUV turned out to be a Nissan Pathfinder. Probably, the bombing suspect realized if he’d been driving a Toyota, he would have been putting his own life in danger.” – Jay Leno
“Thank God the car bombing was thwarted by an alert carjacker.” – David Letterman
“Experts say if this SUV bomb had gone off, it could have caused almost as much damage to New York City as Goldman Sachs.” – Jay Leno
“Iranian President Mahmoud ‘I’m-a-nutjob’ is in New York City. He spoke at the U.N. today. He arrived in New York on Saturday night; he rented an SUV and parked it in Times Square.” – Jay Leno
“The Iranian dictator, Ahmadinejad, is in town. So for one day, Mayor Bloomberg is not the shortest dictator in New York.” – David Letterman
“Ahmadinejad has got a busy schedule. Today it is the U.N. And then tomorrow, he’s going to be on ‘The Rachael Ray Show,’ filleting a camel.” – David Letterman
“The governor of Florida, Charlie Crist, announced he is quitting the Republican Party to run for the Senate as an independent. And today, it became official — the Republicans took away his lesbian strip club VIP card.” – Jay Leno
“Over the weekend, of course, down there in Washington, D.C., they had the big White House Correspondents’ Dinner. Do you know who was really funny? President Obama. So funny, in fact, he has already been promised ‘The Tonight Show’ in five years.” – David Letterman
“Did you see Conan O’Brien on 60 Minutes? The guy told the 60 minutes team that NBC had broken his heart. And I thought, ‘Welcome to the club, Coco. Welcome to the club.” – David Letterman
“But Conan declined to say anything or criticize Jay Leno. And here’s how I look at this. I always say, ‘If you can’t say anything nice about Jay, well, let’s hear it!'” – David Letterman
