“For those of you visiting from Iceland, happy Ash Wednesday.” – Jay Leno
“The British government sent a warship to France to bring home stranded Britons. There was an embarrassing moment — when the ship pulled up to the port, the French immediately surrendered.” – Jay Leno
“The volcano was spewing out so much ash that now, the Catholic Church is saying it couldn’t even see what it was doing wrong.” – Jay Leno
“Talking about air travel and the volcano. The good news, ladies and gentlemen, regular airline service is resuming. The bad news — regular airline service is resuming.” – David Letterman
“Is anyone here stranded because of the volcano? Well, that’s what you get for traveling during volcano season.” – David Letterman
“Because of the volcano, the airlines lost $2 billion. Usually, all they lose is my luggage.” – David Letterman
“The new $100 bill was unveiled today. So if you have any old $100 bills, you can throw them away now.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Today the U.S. Treasury released its new $100 bill. It’s the most high-tech piece of currency the world has ever seen — until Apple comes out with the ‘$100 bill Nano.'” – Craig Ferguson
“You see this on the news? Gay and lesbian activists chained themselves to the White House fence to protest the ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ policy. And when Republican Party officials saw the lesbians chaining themselves to the fence, out of force of habit, they paid $2,000 to watch.” – Jay Leno
“Everyone knows if a Republican comes out of the closet and sees a gay shadow, it means six more years of a Democratic administration.” – Jon Stewart
“The Supreme Court is hearing a case about ‘sexting.’ Apparently the justices of the Supreme Court are not up to date on technology. Chief Justice Roberts asked what is the difference between an e-mail and a pager. Justice Roberts is only 55 years old. He’s young enough to be Larry King’s next wife.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“And unemployment here in California, over 12 percent now. Give you an idea how bad it is, you know the best way to make money in California now? Marrying and divorcing Larry King.” – Jay Leno
“A new study shows that fewer and fewer immigrants are sending money they earn here back home. They’d like to, but there’s no one left at home. They all live here now. They just send it across the street.” – Jay Leno
“Here’s something great. General Motors today paid back all the government loans five years ahead of schedule. Amazing what hard work, careful planning and Toyotas rolling over and crashing into trees can do for you.” – Jay Leno
“Well, the government said today Somali pirates being held in U.S. custody will be brought to the United States for prosecution, and they will be tried by a jury of their peers. So I’m guessing that’s what, Goldman Sachs?” – Jay Leno
“Well, in an interview on the ‘Today’ show, Bill Clinton told Jenna Bush Hager, who is George Bush’s daughter, that his only involvement in the planning of his daughter Chelsea’s wedding is paying the bill. Although, since he’s a Democrat, he doesn’t actually pay the bill himself; he leaves it for future generations of Americans. But you get the idea.” – Jay Leno
“This is rather disturbing. A government panel made up of all retired military personnel says that the school lunches are a threat to our national security because they make our kids too fat to serve the country. It’s unbelievable. Remember the old days, when the Army wanted the best and the brightest? Now they’re stuck with the biggest and the widest.” – Jay Leno
“Yesterday was 4/20, known to stoners around the country as National Weed Day. There were pro-marijuana legalization rallies all around the country, especially here in California, where freedom fighters like this guy exercised their right to free speech vigorously. ‘Here in the meadow, people were chilling out. Some, maybe too much. We’re here just to have a bunch of fun in a field.’ That’s a good way to spend a Tuesday, while your parents are paying tuition.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The Fox network had their annual telethon ‘Idol Gives Back.’ I was hoping they would give back the hundreds of hours I’ve wasted watching ‘American Idol.'” – Jimmy Kimmel
