“Look I’m sorry I told you to go fuck yourself last week (and that other time, like, six months ago.) I know that I criticize you and Fox News a lot, but only because you’re truly a terrible, cynical, disingenuous news organization.” – Jon Stewart
“Fox News: You are the lupus of news.” – Jon Stewart
“Because of the volcano in Iceland, thousands of travelers are stranded with no place to sleep, eat, or shower. This is the kind of thing that can really take the fun out of air travel.” – David Letterman
“The giant cloud of ash over Amsterdam is so bad that you can’t even see the giant cloud of hashish.” – Jay Leno
“The name of the volcano is Eyjafjallajökull. It’s the scariest thing out of Iceland since Björk in that swan outfit.” – David Letterman
“According to a top Iranian cleric, earthquakes and volcanoes are caused by women wearing immodest clothing. Or as most guys would call it: a fair trade-off.” – Jay Leno
“The volcano cloud is gritty ash and it’s making its way toward Russia. In fact, Sarah Palin can see it from her house.” – David Letterman
“Travelers have been stranded in dozens of countries, but they’re finally allowing flights to take off to countries that no one likes.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“President Obama and some prominent Democrats proposed a solution to the erupting volcano — they want to pour money into it.” – Jay Leno
“Today is April 20, which is like Christmas for pot-smokers. It all started in the 1700s when St. Patrick drove the stoners out of Ireland with a pack of Twinkies.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“In celebration of 4/20, the volcano in Iceland is still smoking. And it just asked for Hot Pockets.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Toyota is recalling 600,000 minivans because the spare tire holder can break and the spare tire can go flying down the highway. It’s bad enough Toyota cars can run you off the road — now the parts are chasing you down the street.” – Jay Leno
