“As you probably know, the volcano on the tiny island of Iceland has shut down air traffic. President Obama had to cancel his trip to Poland. President Obama said he hopes the volcano will stop smoking soon and the volcano said the same thing about him.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“You can’t fly an airplane through an ash plume because the engines will be shut down faster than Mel Gibson at a bar mitzvah.” – Craig Ferguson
“The volcanic ash from Iceland disrupted air travel all over Europe. Everything’s grounded. Commercial flights. Private jets. The only thing still flying — Toyotas.” – Jay Leno
“Airports from London to Warsaw are on their sixth day of shutdown. The airports are closed because a volcano is erupting. Smoke and ash are spreading over Europe. The smoke cloud is big and thick. Meteorologists originally thought it was coming from Willie Nelson’s tour bus.” – Craig Ferguson
“The big volcanic cloud from Iceland is making its way over to New York City. They say that the city’s air quality is actually improving.” – David Letterman
“The volcano is erupting underneath a glacier, meaning everything kicks up through a hole in the ice. Some scientists are calling it an ‘ice-hole,’ but other scientists are saying the problem is pre-existing ash, therefore it’s more of an ‘ash-hole.'” – Craig Ferguson
“I am aware that the only reason you people are here tonight is volcanic ash. Thank God I still have my swine flu mask.” – David Letterman
“Thousands of tourists are stranded in Europe, but it’s giving the passengers the opportunity to go share a bar stool with one of the pilots.” –David Letterman
“The German airline Lufthansa said it plans to resume some flights. Apparently there are so many Germans in France right now that the French government surrendered.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Larry King has filed for divorce. The rumor going around is that Larry’s wife left him for a younger man, John McCain.” – Jay Leno
“Larry King getting another divorce. Had an affair with his sister-in-law but in his defense — there is always another side to the story — in his defense, at his age, you know, it’s hard to remember which sister he’s married to.” – David Letterman
“Officials now say that the two most senior leaders of al Qaeda in Iraq have been killed in a joint U.S.-Iraqi mission. I believe the names were ‘what’s his face’ and ‘the guy who plays the guy who replaced the guy we killed last week.'” – Jay Leno
“Well, actually, we can’t take all the credit. What happened was the Lexus GX 460 rolled over.” – Jay Leno
“According to sources at the Pentagon, al Qaeda is nearing financial ruin. But ironically, their top people still got their million-dollar bonuses.” – Jay Leno
“Al Qaeda is broke. How ironic is that? Al Qaeda would run out of moolah. Isn’t that unbelievable?” – Jay Leno
“Well, just four days after Goldman Sachs cost investors $12 billion by failing to tell them that they’re being investigated for fraud, they gave out another $5.4 billion in bonuses. Huh? Even Somali pirates are going, ‘Come on!'” – Jay Leno
“Hey, here’s an amazing fact. Sarah Palin made $12 million last year. In fact, Sarah Palin had such a good year, she was actually able to quit her part-time job as governor of Alaska.” – Jay Leno
“I am so stupid. I made a huge mistake. I sent my taxes to Russia and my adopted kid to the IRS.” – Jay Leno
“Well, folks, a big setback for NASA. President Obama cutting the space program of sending men to the moon. Although he can point to one big achievement during his time in office. We did put an astronaut on ‘Dancing with the Stars.'” – Jay Leno
