“At a Tea Party rally in Boston yesterday, Sarah Palin praised the crowd for winning that Senate race in Massachusetts. She said: ‘Shoot, look at what you did in January. You shook up the United States Senate.’ Unfortunately, no one heard the Senate thing, because after she said ‘shoot,’ 300 guns went off. ” – Jimmy Fallon
“At the same rally, Sarah Palin said: ‘Let me ask you, Massachusetts. Do you love your freedom?’ Is anyone going to say ‘no’ to that? It’s like going to a Phish show and saying, ‘Anyone here like getting high and eating grilled cheese?'” – Jimmy Fallon
“It is April the 15th. This is a day we all curse like Joe Biden.” – Jay Leno
“President Obama released his tax return today. He didn’t owe a lot in taxes. He has a lot of dependents. He’s got his wife, two daughters, A.I.G., General Motors, Goldman Sachs.” – Jay Leno
“Researchers found that you are more likely get germs from money than any other object. … Really? Then how come poor people aren’t healthier?” – Jay Leno
“Hey, you probably heard about this on the news. Now being reported that the terrorist organization Al Qaeda is in financial ruin. To give you an idea what bad shape they’re in, today I saw a terrorist buying a shoe bomb at Payless.” – Jay Leno
“Well, do you know this story? Toyota has stopped selling their Lexus SUV because it poses a high risk of rolling over. But according to a Zogby poll, 62 percent of Americans believe that Toyotas are safe or safer than other vehicles. The other 38 percent are still in critical condition.” – Jay Leno
“A giant cloud of ash from a volcano in Iceland has stopped air traffic all across Europe. The airlines are jumping all over this. They’re now charging passengers a $400 volcanic ash cloud fee.” – Jay Leno
