“Here in California, our attorney general said he’s going to investigate whether a university foundation that hired Sarah Palin to give a speech violated public disclosure laws. They had some controversy. Some students found her contract rider in a dumpster. That is a list of demands a performer has when they appear somewhere. Usually you see them for, like, rock stars, but Sarah Palin has one, I guess. Among other things, Palin’s rider requires two first-class tickets from Alaska or a private jet from Alaska, nothing smaller than a Lear 60, and it has to have a window she can shoot out of.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“She has to have three hotel rooms, a wooden podium, not plexiglass, two bottles of water, and best of all, I think, a supply of bendable straws. This is a complicated woman. On one hand, you know, she’ll blow a moose’s head off at 300 yards, but on the other, bendy straws.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The Pentagon says that Al Qaeda is now in financial ruin. I tell you, Goldman Sachs, they screwed everybody.” – Jay Leno
“Actually, Al Qaeda should have seen it coming. You know who’s in charge of the finances? Osama ben Bernanke.” – Jay Leno
“Tomorrow, President Obama will be in Florida to announce his vision for America’s space program. The rumor is that he is going to reverse President Bush’s space policy, which centered on sending a giant caulk gun to the moon to fill all the craters up.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The first man on the moon, Neil Armstrong, sent a letter to Obama criticizing him because he’s expected to cut funding for manned space flights. And he even helped spearhead this ad campaign that I guess is designed to convince President Obama to change his mind on this. ‘For nearly half a century, the United States has been a world leader in exploring the final frontier: First to the moon, inspiring a nation, and paving the way for countless advancements in science. President Obama’s plan to cut NASA’s budget means never again will Americans see astronauts suck Jell-O through a straw, eat floating bananas, or doing funny experiments with a frog. Write President Obama. Don’t let these super fun times come to an end. This message paid for by astronauts who love super fun times in space.’ Powerful stuff.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“President Obama is launching a new $6 billion space policy that will ultimately take astronauts to Mars. Of course, it’s $6 billion and $45 if the astronauts have a carry-on.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Obama says the new $6 billion program will let us engage in deeper space exploration, while Biden says this will let us engage in open dialogue with Alf.” – Jimmy Fallon
“The Obama administration’s top science and technology official has warned the United States cannot expect to be No. 1 in science and technology forever. Did you know we were No. 1 now? If we’re No. 1 in technology, why do I have to call India for tech support, OK?” – Jay Leno
“Tomorrow is the day to mail in your tax returns, which means tonight is the night to start making fake receipts.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“It’s fitting that April 14 is National Pecan Day because today, we recognize nuts. And tomorrow, on April 15, we pay our taxes to support them.” – Craig Ferguson
“A pecan tree can live for 300 years and when they’re old and gnarled, they can still bear fruit. They’re like the tree world’s Larry King.” – Craig Ferguson
“Scientists are saying that eating pecans every day may decrease your cholesterol. So in case they’re right, I wrap all of my pecans in bacon.” – Craig Ferguson
“This Friday is the deadline for mailing in your Census form. People all around the country put down how many people live in their houses — while Tiger Woods and Jesse James put ‘kind of a tricky situation right now.'” – Jimmy Fallon
