“Well, earlier this week, President Obama kicked off the baseball season by throwing out the ceremonial first pitch. They said President Bush did a better job throwing out the first pitch. But on the other hand, President Obama can talk.” – Jay Leno
“Tiger Woods will play his first golf tournament in five months, and his first tournament in six years without lipstick on his lucky underwear.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The government says the economy is bouncing back. So now we can go back to making cars nobody wants. That will be good.” – David Letterman
“Michelle Obama held a town hall meeting on C-SPAN to answer questions from kids about her anti-obesity campaign. The most popular question from kids was, ‘Why are you doing this to us, lady?'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Next week, the president of China will be at the White House. And good news — he has no plans to foreclose.” – Jay Leno
“Well, give you an idea how important this visit is from the Chinese president, I understand Joe Biden is busy learning some Chinese curse words.” – Jay Leno
“And in a major reversal of U.S. policy, President Obama has narrowed the conditions under which we would use nuclear weapons. He said we’d only use them against Iran, North Korea or Fox News.” – Jay Leno
“People were standing in line around the block all weekend to get an iPad. Out in Arizona, John McCain was waiting in line for an IBM Selectric.” – David Letterman
“And they’ve been talking about the iPad for months, maybe years. I’m telling you, it took longer for the iPad to come out than it did Ricky Martin.” – David Letterman
“Experts believe the iPad will revolutionize the way people procrastinate.” – David Letterman
