“Hey, here’s another deal going on over at the Jacob Javitz Center. It’s the annual New York City Auto Show. I like the new tiny cars. Like the gas-saving, the tiny little semi-hybrid electric things with the fewer seats. You know, they have fewer seats, just like the Democrats after November, fewer seats.” – David Letterman
“And this is interesting. President Obama unveiled a new gas mileage program that he says is like taking 58 million cars off the road for an entire year. Or as Toyota calls it, ‘business as usual.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“More car news. Ford is teaming up with Microsoft to create an all electric car called the Microsoft Hohm. That’s smart, because if there’s one company that knows how to avoid crashes, it’s Microsoft.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Under President Obama’s new airport security plan, anyone traveling to the U.S. will be stopped if they match the description of a potential terrorist. Wait, we weren’t doing this already?” – Jimmy Fallon
“Last night, President Obama gave a speech at the Boston Opera House. It was a long night, because you know what they say about the opera: ‘It ain’t over until the fat lady gets lectured on her eating habits by Michelle Obama.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Oh, you know what they do every Monday after Easter at the White House? They have the hunt, on the White House lawn. And they canceled it this year. You know why? I was stunned. I didn’t know about this. Last year a couple of kids accidentally stumbled into Dick Cheney’s underground torture chamber.” – David Letterman
“A lawmaker in Israel has proposed a popcorn law that would limit high prices of popcorn at the movies. Finally, solving Israel’s biggest problem, high popcorn prices.” – Jimmy Fallon
