“Census time, ladies and gentlemen. President Obama filled out his Census. I felt bad for the guy. Like he needs another reminder that he lives with his mother-in-law.” – David Letterman
“Some people aren’t sending their census forms because they’re angry at the government, which is dumb because the census is how we figure out who gets represented. So if you don’t send in your form, your state gets fewer congressmen. Which, come to think of it, maybe none of us should send in our forms because no congressmen seems like the perfect number, really.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“President Obama announced this week that he is opening more sites for offshore oil drilling. Do you know what that means? If we find enough oil, we could one day invade ourselves.” – Jay Leno
“During a speech at the White House, President Obama said that ‘teleworking’ from home can boost efficiency. Kind of interesting advice from a guy who just flew 13 hours to Afghanistan to say ‘what’s up.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“This week, President Obama issued a proclamation declaring it Cesar Chavez Day. So this week was both Passover and Cesar Chavez Day. See, one holiday celebrates the flight of the Jewish people from Egypt to Israel, the other celebrates the flight of Mexican people from Tijuana to Los Angeles.” – Jay Leno
“Today is April 1, April Fools’ Day, a day that people try to fool their friends and relatives. Don’t confuse that with April 15, when people try to fool the IRS.” – Jay Leno
“When it comes to taxes, there are two types of people. There are those that get it done early, also known as psychopaths, and then the rest of us.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Today is April Fools’ Day, that day of the year when you can’t get anyone to believe anything you say — or as Gov. Paterson calls it, ‘Any day.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“As part of an April Fools’ Day prank, Google renamed itself ‘Topeka.’ As part of a really desperate prank, Yahoo renamed itself ‘Google.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“This is my favorite story of the week. The Republican National Committee is in trouble after spending nearly $2,000 at a bondage club in Hollywood. You know what I call a Republican that spends a lot of money in a strip club? A Democrat.” – Jay Leno
“In fact, one eyewitness said ‘some of the things going on in the club were almost too masochistic for the Republicans to watch.’ Like in one room, there was a video being played over and over of President Obama signing the healthcare bill.” – Jay Leno
“Because it’s Easter, Catholic priests have been hearing confession all week — mostly from other Catholic priests,” – Jay Leno
