“Defense Secretary Robert Gates has ordered the armed forces to initiate changes to their policy of discharging homosexuals. They’ve changed from the ‘Don’t ask, don’t tell’ policy, to the ‘If you think he’s gay, look away’ policy.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Secretary of Defense Robert Gates announced today that the Pentagon will ease up on its enforcement of the ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ policy. He said homosexual behavior will still be against the rules, but nobody will actively enforce it. You know, kind of like the ethics regulations in Congress.” – Jay Leno
“This means the only place gay people can be legally thrown out is ‘Project Runway.'” – Jimmy Kimmel
“After the healthcare bill passed, more than 10 Democrats received threatening calls and faxes. And really, what’s scarier than a threatening fax? ‘I’m . . . going . . . to . . . kill . . . you.’ Now I’m out of toner.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Some Democrats are accusing Sarah Palin of encouraging violence against Democratic members of Congress. One of her advisors has said that Palin has been quite vocal in her condemnation of the violence. Tell that to the 100 moose, 40 caribou, and eight raccoons that she shot last year.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Michelle Obama is going to be honored for her anti-obesity campaign at Nickelodeon’s Kids’ Choice Awards, hosted by Kevin James. I mean, seriously — fighting obesity at a show hosted by Kevin James. That’s like fighting adultery at a show hosted by Jesse James.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Secretary of State Hillary Clinton was down in Mexico earlier this week. Nothing important. She has to go down there every year at this time to drag Bill back from spring break.” – Jay Leno
“Congress is getting ready to pass another job bill, which means they don’t create any jobs, we just get the bill.” – Jay Leno
“Osama bin Laden has reportedly released a new audiotape. Can we even play these anymore? Does anybody make audiotapes? I mean, can you put it on CD or something?” – Jay Leno
