“According to Men’s Health magazine, 21 percent of men surveyed would rather have a sexier nurse than a more competent doctor when they’re in the hospital. I say, why not have both? The government’s paying for it now. Who cares?” – Jay Leno
“An entire day has passed since the healthcare reform was enacted, and the country has not been destroyed. You really can’t trust politicians.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Sarah Palin spoke out this week against the health care reform bill, saying, ‘Elections have consequences.’ Well, of course, elections have consequences. That’s why right now, instead of being vice president of the United States, she’s trying to get a reality show on the Animal Planet.” – Jay Leno
“I was reading today that the whole healthcare fight took a big toll on Nancy Pelosi’s popularity. Her favorability rating is down to 11 percent, making her the most disliked woman in America with less than eight kids.” ”’ – Jimmy Fallon
“Here’s something amazing: A North Carolina jury, this week, awarded $9 million to a jilted wife, from the other woman. The other woman has to pay $9 million to the wife for breaking up her marriage. Wait, do you realize how historic this is? Guys, for the first time in history, women are agreeing it’s not the guy’s fault. It’s her fault! This is what men have been saying for years. Poor John Edwards. He was tricked.” – Jay Leno
“Oh, hey, are you ready for the 2010 census? It’s going to be complicated this year. So the government should have patience. Here’s part of the problem: Most Americans count as two.” – David Letterman
“Have you filled out a census form? Here’s the deal: 10 questions in 10 minutes. That’s what they’re saying. Coincidentally, that is how John McCain chose his running mate.” – David Letterman
“You got to count everybody in your household for the census. Right now, Angelina Jolie is going through the place with one of those clickers.” – David Letterman
“Jersey Shore’ is premiering in 30 different countries this week. It will be shown in France, except in France it’s called ‘Another Reason to Hate America.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“James Cameron, who directed ‘Avatar,’ is in a feud with Glenn Beck, because Cameron called him a mad man. The two are very different. One makes millions creating fictional stories, and the other is James Cameron.” – Craig Ferguson
“The rising sea levels in the Indian Ocean have caused an island to vanish. Yesterday, Ben and Jerry were giving away free ice cream and today, global warming causes an island to disappear. It’s a terrible rollercoaster week for Al Gore — so happy, but so alarmed.” – Craig Ferguson
“Former Presidents Bill Clinton and George W. Bush traveled to Haiti this week to talk about the country’s long-term recovery plan. It was a departure for President Bush. It’s unusual for him to visit a disaster of this scope and magnitude that wasn’t his fault.” – Jimmy Kimmel
