Political Irony

“Well, today, President Obama signed the landmark health care reform bill into law, or as President Obama refers to it, ‘The Rush Limbaugh Deportation Act.'” – Jay Leno

“President Obama, boy, he’s feeling like a Toyota driver today. There’s no stopping him.” – Jay Leno

“How about basketball? Anybody here suffering from March Madness? Well, don’t worry. It’s covered by the new health care plan.” – David Letterman

“I’ll tell you how excited the president is. Today, he changed his slogan from ‘Yes, we can,’ to ‘Yes, we finally did something.'” – Jay Leno

“After signing the health care bill, Obama hugged Nancy Pelosi, twice. He called her one of the best speakers the House has ever had. And then he called Harry Reid one of the best majority leaders the Senate has ever had. Obama is either really excited about health care or totally wasted. ‘I love you. I’m serious. You’re the best. You guys are the best.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Of course, this all couldn’t have been done without the help of Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi. And today, the president thanked her for her unblinking support.” – Jay Leno

“Actually, Nancy Pelosi used the Internet to help gain support for this. She reached out to people on her favorite social networking site, Icantmovemyfacebook.com.” – Jay Leno

“Of course, the White House is now denying it made any side deals with members of Congress to pass this bill. See, I don’t know if that’s true. Did you see Mount Rushmore today? They’re adding Dennis Kucinich’s face to it.” – Jay Leno

“And to help sell this plan to the American people, President Obama said it’s the same plan Congress has. See, I think that’s a mistake. I think that’s why a lot of people opposed it. Have you seen members of Congress? Do they look healthy to you? Anybody here want to be as fat as Barney Frank? Huh? You want to be as orange as John Boehner? I don’t think so.” – Jay Leno

“What kind of a day is it for you? Because I think it is a great day for America! It is. And I’ll tell you why. Because all day today Ben & Jerry’s was giving out free ice cream. And Starbucks was giving out free pastries. Everybody’s getting cocky now that there’s free health insurance. Eat what you like. Diabetes? Who cares?” – Craig Ferguson

“Are you folks happy about the health care bill reform that the Congress has passed? Some people are unhappy about it. A lot of people unhappy about it. Here are two reasons I’m unhappy about it. One, I love paying huge money for health care. And the other thing, I used to love driving to Canada to buy cheap drugs. I loved that, too. I am steamed.” – David Letterman

“And of course, a lot of right wingers are very upset about this because they believe this health care bill will cost a lot of money. You know what I think? Just pretend it’s another unnecessary war. You’ll feel better about it already.” – Jay Leno

“This morning, President Obama signed into law the health care bill that was passed by the House of Representatives on Sunday. The Republican Party is not happy about the bill. Senator John McCain told a radio show yesterday that the bill was done in quote, ‘the most unsavory Chicago sausage-making’ that he’s seen in all his years. First of all, I can say from experience that there is nothing unsavory about Chicago sausage. It couldn’t be more savory, in fact. And that’s not a liberal or conservative point of view. That’s an American statement right there, a fat American statement.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“This has been very divisive. The Republicans are thinking: ‘O.K., all right. We didn’t think this was going to go the way it went. Now we really got to get something together. We have to put our heads to this.’ They’ve come up with a great plan that they think has legislative viability to repeal the health care reform bill. You know what it is? Four words. Four words: Hot tub time machine.” – David Letterman

“McCain also said that there will be no cooperation from Republicans for the rest of the year. So that should be good for the country.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“What a shame to see all that cooperating end, you know? This is like the coyote announcing he’s no longer cooperating with the road runner.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“This is kind of crazy. I don’t know if I believe this. A new Harris poll found that 57 percent of Republicans believe President Obama is a Muslim — 57 percent. 45 percent believe he was not born in the United States. 38 percent feel he’s, quote, ‘doing many of the things that Hitler did.’ And 24 percent believe he may be the Antichrist. Oh, like Oprah would date the Antichrist.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“That’s ridiculous: 38 percent believe he’s like Hitler? How is that possible? He doesn’t even have a mustache. How could he be like Hitler? Did Hitler play basketball? No, seriously, did Hitler play basketball?” – Jimmy Kimmel

“You people are in such a great mood. I really appreciate it because on a day like this, it’s lousy weather. Here in New York City, it was 49 and gloomy. You know, like Glenn Beck.” – David Letterman

“And over the weekend, tens of thousands of illegal immigrants rallied across the country demanding a path to citizenship. Don’t we have a path to citizenship? It’s called the San Diego Freeway.” – Jay Leno

“Don’t let people lie to you. We’re not out of this recession. Anybody here think we’re out of the recession? No, we’re not out of it. We have no money. No jobs. The recession is still going strong. More trouble for the United States economy. The U.S. debt now may lose its triple-A rating. And I said to myself, ‘Well, who cares what the auto club thinks?'” – David Letterman

“And the Pentagon is changing Army basic training for the first time in 30 years to deal with the fact that so many new recruits are so overweight. In fact, the Army’s new slogan, ‘Don’t ask, no seconds.'” – Jay Leno

“You know what’s coming up is the 2010 Census form. You have to pick up your Census form. There will be some changes. First of all, when you hear the Census, you think, oh, please, mind your own business. But you can’t have that attitude. You’ve got to pick up the Census form and fill it out. There’s changes in the form this year. For example, under gender you have your choice — male, female, or gaga. It’s a third category.” – David Letterman

“You have to include everybody in your house. For example, you must include people, even people who just sleep part-time in your house. They have to be included on the Census form. Like Sandra Bullock’s husband.” – David Letterman

“Hawaii wants to be the location for President Obama’s presidential library because that’s where he was born and raised. But really, when you go to Hawaii, the first thought that comes to your mind is, ‘I got to hit the library,’ isn’t it? So, it’s kind of perfect.” – Jimmy Fallon

“No matter what your political party, this week we saw a great American do something many said couldn’t be done. That’s right. Buzz Aldrin did the cha-cha on ‘Dancing With the Stars,’ and that was just something.” – Jimmy Fallon