“A lot of upsets over the weekend. Kansas lost to Northern Iowa. Georgetown lost to Ohio. Republicans lost to the Democrats.” – Jay Leno
“Yesterday in Washington, D.C., history was made. Congress actually worked on a Sunday.” – David Letterman
“Well, as you know, health care reform was passed by the House last night. Supporters of the bill say the American people now get the same health benefits members of Congress get, which is great. See, if we can just get some of those other perks — the free travel, the envelopes with the cash in them, the get-out-of-jail-free cards — oh, all of that could be great.” – Jay Leno
“Congress passed the health care reform bill. Well, that was easy.” – David Letterman
“President Obama won one of the great — they’re calling it — the ‘great legislative victories of the last 50 years’ last night. He won health care reform approval to extend coverage to millions of uninsured Americans, or as the Republicans are calling it ‘Armageddon.’ Personally, I think it’s great. Maybe now, I can finally get a gynecologist to see me.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“You know, not a single Republican voted for the health care bill. They claim the U.S. government isn’t qualified to be in the health care business. Hey, kept Dick Cheney alive the last 30 years. It’s got to be worth something.” – Jay Leno
“And the Democrats were thrilled, as you can guess. And they got a little rowdy, as Democrats can do. They tipped over Rush Limbaugh.” – David Letterman
“Do you know who’s going to be in charge of health care? The IRS. No, this is true. The IRS will be in charge of enforcing the new health care laws. You thought you hated getting audited by the government? Wait until they’re in charge of your prostate exam, O.K.?” – Jay Leno
“And we’re getting more details on what happened in the White House after the vote. In fact, the minute it passed, Joe Biden, he was speechless. So, right there, the bill is already paying dividends.” – Jay Leno
“And before the vote, protesters on Capitol Hill heckled Nancy Pelosi. But she managed to keep a stiff upper lip, as well as a tightly stretched forehead, and an unnaturally arched eyebrow.” – Jay Leno
“Anti-health care reform protesters outside the Capitol were downright vicious. They yelled the N-word at black legislators, they yelled the F-word at gay legislators, they yelled the W-word at Latino legislators. It was like the Sesame Street of hate.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“President Obama said last night this proves this is a government of the people, and by the people, except for the 55 percent of the people who opposed him.” – Jay Leno
“A lot of people are unhappy about the health care bill. Americans love paying sky-high medical bills. That’s the problem.” – David Letterman
“See, and the nice thing is, if you lose your job, you know, you’re still covered, which is great news for the Democrats in November.” – Jay Leno
“According to a new Gallup poll, Congress’s approval rating is at an all-time low, 16 percent. Only 16 percent of Americans think Congress is doing a good job. The other 84 percent didn’t get any bailout money.” – Jay Leno
“And Defense Secretary Robert Gates announced, for the first time in the Navy’s history, women will be allowed to serve on submarines. See, the problem before was they didn’t want men and women spending time together in such unbelievably cramped quarters. And then they realized, ‘Wait a minute, it’s no different than flying Southwest.'” – Jay Leno
“And the famous jeweler, Tiffany & Company, announced their fourth-quarter profits were quadruple what they were this time last year. Experts say it’s either a sign the economy is improving or more guys are getting caught cheating.” – Jay Leno
“Tonight was the season premiere of season 10 of ‘Dancing with the Stars.’ It’s a smaller cast, including Buzz Aldrin, whose wife commented on his chances to win. ‘I don’t think people realize Buzz is a risk-taker.’ They don’t? He went to the moon, you know, first. In a Toyota, by the way.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Buzz Aldrin, by the way, is 80 years old. How crazy would it be if one of the first men on the moon was killed in a dancing accident?” – Jimmy Kimmel
