“And I’m sure you remembered to turn your clock ahead an hour, unless, of course, you’re a Democrat working on health care. Then you might want to turn it back a year and start all over again.” – Jay Leno
“Congress is getting ready to vote on President Obama’s health care bill. It’s going to be a close vote. The House Democrats say it could be a real tickle fight.” – David Letterman
“You know, I was thinking about this health care problem. If you took all the money the Republicans have spent to stop health care and all the money Democrats have spent trying to get health care, we could afford health care.” – Jay Leno
“Sarah Palin, out in Arizona, is campaigning with John McCain. He’s running for Senate re-election. They’re campaigning together out there. I thought, yeah, I mean, there’s an unbeatable combination.” – David Letterman
“C-SPAN is uploading 23 years of video on the Internet. Or if you want to get the sensation of watching 23 years of C-SPAN, just watch 2 minutes of C-SPAN.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Toyota is starting to fight back. Today, they cast doubt on the story of that guy — remember the guy last week that said his Prius accelerated out of control on the freeway? They said they found significant inconsistencies in his story. And let me tell you something, that’s embarrassing when a car dealer calls you a liar.” – Jay Leno
“Now, if you’re on the freeway, you know how to tell if a Prius next to you is out of control? Here’s how you tell. If you look over and the driver’s face goes from that smug, ‘I’m saving the environment’ look, to the frightened, ‘get me the hell out of here’ look, that’s kind of how you know.” – Jay Leno
“In an interview in GQ magazine, John Edwards’s mistress said she slept with him on the first day they met, but she wasn’t his mistress, she was just playing the role. And, apparently, the audition went so well, she got the job!” – Jay Leno
“Rielle Hunter told GQ that she will love John Edwards until death do us part, to which Elizabeth Edwards said, ‘You know, I can arrange that.'” – Jay Leno
“You guys see the ‘GQ’ pictures of John Edwards’ mistress, Rielle Hunter? Today, she called them ‘repulsive’, and says she trusted ‘GQ”s photographer to take classy photos. Yeah, because anytime I’m on a bed in nothing but dress shirt and underwear next to a Dora the Explorer doll, I think, ‘This is gonna look classy.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“She also said in the interview she did not consider the money she got every month from the Edwards campaign as hush money. Well, duh. Once you give an interview, it’s no longer hush money. It’s now considered down-the-drain money.” – Jay Leno
