“Thank you for coming on the Ides of March. You know, this is March 15. It was on this day in 44 B.C., Julius Caesar met his end. He was stabbed in the back by members of the Senate, ironically, while pleading for health care.” – Jay Leno
“President Obama talked about health care reform at a senior center in Strongsville, Ohio, today. The most common question he got: ‘When’s bingo?'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Well, President Obama, turning up the pressure on Congress to pass this health care reform. In fact, he’s telling Democrats, if they don’t vote for this bill, he will go out and campaign for them in November.” – Jay Leno
“I don’t know if you saw this yesterday on ‘Meet the Press.’ Tom Brokaw referred to health care reform as a ‘kerfuffle.’ You thought passing health care was hard; 10 times harder for Brokaw to pronounce ‘kerfuffle.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“It seems The Journal of Neurology reports that the longer you smoke, the less likely you are to develop Parkinson’s disease. So what are they telling us? Follow me guys. Remember, a couple of months ago, doctors said drinking a glass of alcohol every day was good for your heart. Smoking prevents Parkinson’s disease. Marijuana is good for glaucoma. Sex is good for your prostate. You know, screw health care. Let’s party!” – Jay Leno
“And in his speech to the Export-Import Bank’s annual gathering, President Obama announced that he will establish two brain trusts to double U.S. exports over the next five years. You know what our leading export is right now? Jobs.” – Jay Leno
“And in World News, the tension between the White House and Israel is at its highest level in 30 years. Israel wants to build more houses in its territory, and the Obama administration wants them torn down. Here’s the solution: You build the houses, but let Countrywide give everybody an adjustable rate mortgage. They’ll be foreclosed on and out of there by July.” – Jay Leno
“Well here’s something interesting. And I guess this goes with the job. President Obama announced over the weekend that he gets 20,000 letters a day calling him an idiot. And I said, ‘Hey, welcome to the club.’ … I said to myself, ‘Well hey, maybe I am presidential material.’ … But in all fairness, a lot of those letters come from Dick Cheney.” – David Letterman
“In his weekly radio and Internet address, President Obama called for an overhaul of the ‘No Child Left Behind’ law. It will now be called ‘The World Needs Janitors, Too.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Hey, learning more and more about that homegrown terrorist, that woman, Colleen LaRose, also known as Jihad Jane. They’re calling her the most dangerous person to come out of Pennsylvania since Ben Roethlisberger.” – Jay Leno
“Everybody changed their clocks this weekend for daylight savings. So you move it ahead. And even the Taliban move their clocks ahead. They moved it up to the 11th century. So that’s good.” – David Letterman
“And as part of an art project, 31 life-sized nude male statues will be set up all around Manhattan. They’re so lifelike, former Congressman Eric Massa tried to tickle three of them.” – Jay Leno
“Well, in Toyota’s defense, there are allegations that the driver of that runaway Prius in San Diego may have faked it. The guy claims he couldn’t stop a runaway Prius? Come on. Tiger Woods’s wife stopped a runaway Cadillac Escalade with a 9-iron, O.K.?” – Jay Leno
