“This week was dominated by Congressman Eric Massa, the amazing groping, tickling, snorkeling congressman. America was shocked to learn there is another closeted gay congressman and he’s not a Republican.” – Bill Maher
“He went on Glenn Beck and told about his 50th birthday party, with all men, and they got into a big tickle fight. You know, like guys do. Don’t you hate that, when you’re in a big, giggling pig-pile of dudes and people try to make it into something gay?” – Bill Maher
“They used to call him a ‘Navy Seal’—not because he was in special forces, because he was always balancing balls on his nose.” – Bill Maher
“Daylight Savings begins this weekend. Everyone will have to set their clocks forward an hour. If you’re Eric Massa, you’ll probably want to set your clock back a week.” – Jimmy Fallon
“We lose an hour of sleep this week. Of course, if you’re roommates with Eric Massa, you may not want to fall asleep at all.” – Jimmy Fallon
“New Rule: Glenn Beck has to stop being so hard on himself. After his Eric Massa interview, Beck said, ‘I think this is the first time I have wasted an hour of your time.’ Oh Glenn, that’s so not true. First of all, we never make it through the hour. But when we flip by your show and you’re standing on your desk, dressed in lederhosen and holding back tears, etching something about Woodrow Wilson on your crazy board, believe me those two minutes aren’t wasted. They’re the funniest part of our day.” – Bill Maher
“President Obama has announced this week that he has donated all of his Nobel Prize money to a charity that deals with those that have no hope: the Democratic Party.” – Jay Leno
“President Obama would like the House to vote on his healthcare plan on either St. Patrick’s Day or the day after. That means Congress will be voting on healthcare either when they’re drunk, or when they’re hung over.” – Jay Leno
“New Rule: President Obama must not bail out Greece. Besides democracy, philosophy, geometry, poetry, architecture and drama what have they ever given us? Greek President Papandreau came to Washington this week, begging for money. To which I say: Screw you, Zorba, and the horse you came hidden inside of. You want our hard earned dollars? Come back when you’re an insurance company.” – Bill Maher
“According to a survey, 67 percent of pet owners say they can understand what their pets say when they bark or meow. It doesn’t sound impressive until you realize that only 5 percent of Californians can understand Gov. Schwarzenegger.” – Jay Leno
“New York City has filled 2,000,000 potholes. The bad news is, they were the only things slowing down the Toyotas.” – David Letterman
“Federal officials just revealed that a member of al-Qaida worked at three nuclear power plants in New Jersey over six years. Wait, there are three nuclear power plants in New Jersey? I guess that explains Snooki.” – Jimmy Fallon
