“We had a lousy audience last night. You couldn’t tell if they were laughing at the jokes or if they were being tickled by New York Congressman Massa.” – David Letterman
“He admits to groping, fondling, and tickling. And I’m thinking, well, why isn’t this guy governor of New York?” – David Letterman
“Massa goes on the Glenn Beck show and he says that he was having a birthday party tickling his staff. And he said one guy couldn’t breathe, he was tickling him so hard. And then Dick Cheney said, ‘Well, we should have done that at Gitmo.'” – David Letterman
“Massa just keeps getting into more and more trouble. One of Massa’s former shipmates in the Navy says that he used to give his subordinates massages. And he called them ‘Massa massages’, which is why the Navy’s policy toward Massa was ‘don’t ask because it’s pretty obvious, isn’t it?'” – Jimmy Fallon
“So now this Congressman Eric Massa is claiming that he was bullied in a gym by Rahm Emanuel. The President’s guy is bullying him in a gym, naked. And I know you are thinking to yourselves, ‘Well gee, thanks a lot, Dave, for searing that image into our brains because that’s something we’ll carry for a long time right there.'” – David Letterman
“It turns out Eric Massa was living in a house in D.C. with a bunch of young single male staffers. Massa described the house as ‘just a bunch of guys doing guy stuff’, while the male staffers described it as a ‘den of awkwardness.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“He admits to groping, fondling, and tickling. And I’m thinking, well, why isn’t this guy governor of New York?” – David Letterman
“The big rumor is Tiger Woods is getting ready to return to golf. Tiger has hired Ari Fleischer, George Bush’s former press secretary, to handle the press for him. I guess Ari Fleischer figures after years of trying to explain George W. Bush, this should be a piece of cake.” – Jay Leno
“Tiger Woods is reportedly ready to return to golf, possibly in two weeks in Orlando. According to The New York Post, Tiger’s hired former President Bush’s press secretary, Ari Fleischer to help with his PR campaign. Is that the guy you want in charge of your approval rating? I’d hire Clinton’s guy. That’s the one with some experience in that particular area.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Former President Bush, George W. Bush, is now writing a book about his eight years in the White House. And it’s green. It’s entirely made out of old Al Gore ballots. So that will be a keepsake for you there.” – David Letterman
“A lot of anticipation about the new book that George Bush is writing. But don’t worry, it’ll also be available in English.” – David Letterman
“Karl Rove’s memoir, ‘Courage and Consequence’, is the best-selling book on Amazon.com. The book costs $19.99, and comes with free shipping and mishandling.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Barbie’s birthday. Did you know that? And if you don’t know Barbie let me just tell you. She is the pretty, plastic doll who didn’t run with John McCain.” – David Letterman
“A new poll out today shows that 22 percent of voters strongly approve of the job President Obama is doing, 43 percent strongly disapprove of the job he’s doing, and the other 35 percent are holding off judgment until he actually does something.” – Jay Leno
“I’m sure you heard the First Lady talk about this. Childhood obesity at an all-time high here in America. Give you an idea how bad it is, when children are filling out a form now, next to hometown, 83 percent of the kids write ‘buffet.'” – Jay Leno
“Yesterday, Michelle Obama and Hillary Clinton were at an event and Michelle said that she almost referred to Hillary as ‘President Clinton’ by mistake. And then Hillary was like, ‘Ha-ha-ha. Seriously, though, would you?'” – Jimmy Fallon
“According to USA Today, corruption among government officials in China is running rampant. Yet another idea they stole from us.” – Jay Leno
