“Rush Limbaugh says if health care reform passes, he’s going to leave the country and move to Costa Rica. Hey, you know what that means, right? That means one less overweight smoker the rest of us don’t have to pay for.” – Jay Leno
“Health care passes, Rush Limbaugh leaving. Or as President Obama calls that, a ‘win-win.'” – Jay Leno
“Yesterday, the White House said that it wants to pass the health care bill by March 18, or March 19. But at the very, very latest, March 21. Unless they have to wait until March 23, in which case they’ll definitely want to pass it by April 6. Or April 8. Definitely by April 10. The 6th through the 10th, or possibly April 12 is a possibility. April 12, 2025, will definitely be the date. If not then, 2027. And if that doesn’t come to fruition then, it’s going to cut it off at 2040. So there you go. So, we’ll have the health care bill by 2040, hopefully.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Earlier today, the president of Haiti was at the White House to meet with President Obama. He said the people of his country need jobs, they need places to live, and they need health care. And then the president of Haiti spoke.” – Jay Leno
“New York congressman Eric Massa has resigned his post this week after allegations that he groped his male staff. If it’s not Charlie Rangel trying to get into your wallet, it’s Eric Massa trying to get in your pants.” – Jay Leno
“Former New York congressman Eric Massa admitted to tickling a staffer until he couldn’t breathe. Dick Dick Cheney said, ‘We should have tried that at Gitmo.'” – David Letterman
“If you’re wondering why we don’t have healthcare, it’s because there’s too much tickling in Congress.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Sure, we’ve all had tickle fights with our male coworkers, we’ve all played ‘Kill the old guy.’ In fact, Dick Cheney used to play it with a gun.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Former Democratic congressman Erica Massa is all over the news; he resigned on Monday amid allegations that he groped staff workers, but then claimed he was being forced out over his healthcare vote. Glenn Beck had him on his show the other night. Now, out-crazying Glenn Beck is no small task.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Massa was on Glenn Beck and he showed a book of graphic photos of things sailors did for fun when at sea. The book was so graphic, they couldn’t show them on the air. Now if you’re trying to convince people you’re not gay, you probably shouldn’t show your big book of naked sailors.” – Jay Leno
“Just a word of warning tonight — anybody in the audience who refuses to laugh will be tickled by former congressman Eric Massa. ” – Jimmy Fallon
“Last week, it was in the 20s, and yesterday it got up to 59 degrees. Crazy. I had to keep changing my outfit and my position on global warming.” – Jimmy Fallon
“There are rumors that the Obama administration may ban fishing in lakes. Fox News is saying ‘Obama wages jihad on fisherman,’ and NPR says ‘Obama protects aquatic unicorns,’ and I don’t know who to believe.” –Craig Ferguson
