“Well, big changes announced today for the next Indianapolis 500. All the cars will be Toyota Priuses.” – Jay Leno
“As you know, the Toyota Prius is a hybrid — half gas engine, half runaway racehorse.” – Jay Leno
“Yesterday, in San Diego, a man called the police when the accelerator on his Prius got stuck and made his car go 90 miles an hour. Luckily, the man was able to stop his car when he ran into another Toyota going in the opposite direction.” – Jimmy Fallon
“It’s been a rough year for Toyota. They’ve launched a big PR campaign to assure customers that their cars are OK to drive, which is an important quality in a car.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Toyota says they’re standing beside their vehicles — because that’s the only safe place to stand.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“And I love this. Radio host Rush Limbaugh says he will leave the United States if health care reform passes. Well, if that doesn’t get the Democrats to rally, nothing will.” – Jay Leno
“Rush Limbaugh says if the healthcare bill passes, he will leave the country. The Democrats are upset, because if they knew that, they would have passed the bill years ago.” – Craig Ferguson
“The White House unveiled its official eggs for the 2010 Easter Egg Roll on April 5. The official eggs come in purple, pink, green and, why are we talking about Easter eggs instead of health care?” – Jimmy Fallon
“In the morning here at CBS, they have ‘The Early Show.’ Tomorrow on ‘The Early Show,’ host Harry Smith is having a live colonoscopy. I know what you’re thinking: Finally, real breakfast fun. Here we go. Bring it on. Welcome to the Obama health care plan, ladies and gentlemen. That’s how it’s going to work.” – David Letterman
“On ‘The Early Show’ tomorrow morning, Harry Smith will receive the first live TV colonoscopy. CBS is very excited; they’re already planning the spinoff show, ‘How I Met Your Rectum.'” – Craig Ferguson
“The network hopes that the live colonoscopy will get good ratings, so to boost their chances, the procedure will be performed by the cast of ‘CSI.'” – Craig Ferguson
“President Obama has signed a bill to increase tourism to the United States. Tourism is way down, which is surprising. You’d think people from foreign countries would want to come here to see where their American jobs originated.” – Jay Leno
“Yesterday, President Obama hosted the Alabama Crimson Tide football team at the White House. At one point, the quarterback threw a football to Obama, which was the first time during his presidency that anything’s gotten passed.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Democratic Majority Leader Harry Reid is in trouble again for saying it’s really good news that America only lost 36,000 jobs in February. Well, think how happy he’ll be when November comes and he loses his job.” – Jay Leno
“Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad now says that 9/11, the attacks on the United States on 9/11, were fabricated. Like his re-election.” – David Letterman
“He says the whole thing was an elaborate hoax. I’m skeptical. I think I’ll wait to see what Kim Jong-il says.” – David Letterman
“But the guy seriously is nuts. He also denies that Conan O’Brien ever hosted ‘The Tonight Show.'” – David Letterman
