“Sarah Palin is getting her own reality show. It’s going to be called ‘So You Think You Can See Russia?'” – Craig Ferguson
“As you may have heard, the House has passed a $15 billion jobs bill. That’s the good news. The bad news? All those new jobs, fixing Toyotas.” – Jay Leno
“They have two hosts this year for the Academy Awards. Who says Obama isn’t creating jobs?” – David Letterman
“I’m not sure if you guys have heard the latest update on healthcare reform, but Democrats are saying they hope to get a final healthcare vote before Easter. Well, I don’t know. Two resurrections is a lot to hope for, don’t you think?” – Jimmy Fallon
“Just two days after being told by his doctors to cut down on his cholesterol, President Obama visited a restaurant in Savannah, Georgia, where he ate a meal which included fried chicken, sweet potatoes, macaroni and cheese, cream corn, biscuits, corn bread, barbeque pork, and blueberry pudding. That’s why he’s in favor of healthcare. He’s going to need it.” – Jay Leno
“This week, President Obama talked to Congress about healthcare. He said, ‘Just get it done.’ See, that’s when you know things are bad, okay? When the President of the United States is quoting Larry the Cable Guy. ‘Git ‘er done!'” – Jay Leno
“Former President Bush announced today he is writing a book on how he made decisions while in the White House. The book will be divided into the two chapters, ‘Heads’ and ‘Tails.'” – Jay Leno
“New York Governor David Paterson under investigation for accepting free Yankee tickets to the World Series last fall. If found guilty, could be sentenced to free Mets tickets.” – Jay Leno
“And because of the bad economy, the state of Maine says its sales of lobsters have dropped dramatically. In fact, the price of lobster is so low, for the first time ever if you go into Red Lobster restaurant, you can actually get lobster now.” – Jay Leno
