“New Yorkers are desperate. They’re trying to get Paterson to leave early, and I said to myself, ‘That sounds like a job for Jay Leno.'” – David Letterman
“But I don’t know how serious this is. I won’t believe that there’s real trouble with the governor until I hear that he’s told his staff he’s hiking on the Appalachian Trail.” – David Letterman
“New York Gov. David Paterson said he will not run for election but he will serve his full term. He’s going to finish his term. He’s going to keep being governor ’till the very end. Did you hear that, Sarah? ‘Till the end. He’s going to continue to be the governor ’till the very end.” – David Letterman
“Well, in his new book, Karl Rove said that the failure to find weapons of mass destruction in Iraq badly damaged the Bush administration’s credibility. It’s all in his new book here, it’s called ‘Duh!'” – Jay Leno
“Karl Rove’s new memoir, ‘Courage and Consequence,’ is coming out next week. Not sure if ‘Courage and Consequence’ is how most people would describe the Bush years, but I guess it does sound better than ‘Oopsies.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Scientists in Britain have developed a new camera that can identify a terrorist by the shape of their nose. Yeah, it’s all part of the new technology called ‘racism.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Gay marriage now legal in Washington, D.C. How about that? So, if you’re a congressman, in bed with a lobbyist, if you like it, you better put a ring on it.” – Jay Leno
“Representative Charles Rangel, the chairman of the House Ways and Means Committee, has temporarily surrendered his post pending an ethics investigation. They’ve been investigating him for three months now. And so far, they have not found a single trace of ethics.” – Jay Leno
“Did you hear that Rush Limbaugh’s Manhattan penthouse is on the market for $14 million? It’s an amazing property. Over 4,000 square feet. And that’s just the medicine cabinet.” – Craig Ferguson
“A new report found that a line of cocaine is now cheaper than a cup of coffee. Although, if you’re choosing to snort coke instead of drinking coffee in the morning, it was never really about the money, was it?” – Jimmy Fallon
“There’s more crazy news coming out of the auto industry. Today, Nissan recalled over half a million cars with faulty brakes and fuel gauges. Toyota was like, ‘just half a million? Oh, that’s cute.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Hey, did you hear about this story today? This is pretty wild. The FAA is investigating why a child was allowed to direct air traffic at John F. Kennedy airport. You know this story? … Authorities say they got suspicious when five of the planes landed at a Toys ‘R’ Us parking lot.” – Jay Leno
“Imagine that, children directing air traffic. Today, the Chinese said: ‘Why didn’t we think of that? Sure, get more kids working. Why not?'” – Jay Leno
“Of course, the pilots were stunned. One of them said, ‘Am I still drunk, or is that a kid’s voice?'” – Jay Leno
“Not a great day for that air traffic controller at JFK. Did you hear about this? He let his young son talk to planes on the radio. Authorities say this is the worst abuse of ‘bring your kid to work day’ since Woody Allen.” – Craig Ferguson
