“Here’s something to really get excited about. The Winter Olympics: here we go. And, of course, earlier tonight, the opening ceremonies up there in Vancouver. I always enjoy the parade of nations that hate the U.S. Isn’t it nice?” – David Letterman
“The Winter Olympics are under way in Canada. Skiing, snowboarding, ice-skating, these are not sports. They’re vacation activities. I feel like I’m watching someone’s home movies.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“They showed the biathlon today, a combination of cross-country skiing and shooting rifles, which is known to Sarah Palin as ‘commuting.’ ” – Jimmy Kimmel
“NBC has exclusive rights to the games, so we can’t show any footage from the Olympics. In fact, I’m not even supposed to say the word, ‘Olympics.’ That may have cost us $800,000 right there.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Today is the birthday of North Korean dictator Kim Jong Il. And a lot of people want to get the guy gifts. I have a suggestion. You can’t go wrong with another pair of ladies’ sunglasses.” – David Letterman
“Bob Dylan performed at the White House last night in honor of Black History Month … Because, when you think of black history, you think of a mumbling, white, Jewish guy from Minnesota.” – David Letterman
