“The big blizzard hit the East Coast. Washington, D.C., probably hit hardest of all. Two storms, back-to-back. The bad news is Washington, D.C., is entirely shut down. The good news is Washington, D.C., is entirely shut down.” – David Letterman
“Celebrity birthday. Happy birthday to Sarah Palin, who is 46 years old today. And you know, Sarah Palin, when she goes on a public speaking event, writes notes on her hand. Here’s what she has on her hand today for her birthday. Let’s check in on this, O.K., ‘blow out candles,’ ‘eat cake,’ and ‘clean rifle.'” – David Letterman
“Today is also a day of celebration for Sarah Palin, who celebrated her 46th birthday today. Her family managed to hang streamers from the walls of the igloo, which is not easy to do.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“And let me tell you something. You have not been to a birthday party until you’ve seen Sarah Palin blow out 46 candles with an assault rifle.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Joe Biden was interviewed on ‘Larry King’ last night. And he said that some of Sarah Palin’s recent comments are just too far out there. He doesn’t know where they came from. He was like, ‘Who the hell is she, me?'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Here’s an important anniversary in the world of comedy. Four years ago today Vice President Dick Cheney was out hunting, and he shot one of his buddies in the face.” – David Letterman
“But a lot of people criticized Cheney for not doing the right thing after he shot the guy. But he did what he needed to do. He tied the guy to his roof. And then he drove him back to his house.” – David Letterman
“Today is the 31st anniversary of the Islamic revolution in Iran. President Mahmoud Amembersonlyjacket celebrated by declaring that Iran is now a nuclear state. So that’s good news. Mazel Tov to them.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Oh, we have some news coming out of Iran, where Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said today that they are enriching uranium but not for nuclear weapons. And I said, Well, that’s good enough for me.” – David Letterman
“Iran’s telecommunications agency announced a permanent suspension this week of all Google Gmail service. From now on, if you want to reach anyone in Iran, you have to use Faceburqa.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The government announced that they’re going to start their own national email service as a way to build trust with the people, because if there’s anyone you can trust with your email, it’s the Iranian government, of course.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Yeah, Toyota has had a rough month. But President Obama predicted that they will bounce back from the crisis. Didn’t he say the same thing about Tiger Woods?” – Jimmy Fallon
“Michelle Obama said that childhood obesity impacts national security because obesity is a common disqualifier for military service. That’s great info for moms. ‘Honey, you have two choices. You can eat that doughnut and play video games or you can eat this salad and go to Iraq. So, it’s up to you. You sure you want to have the doughnut?'” – Jimmy Fallon
