“Tomorrow night, President Obama will give his State of the Union address. The White House says the speech will focus on American jobs. So, I guess he’s going to talk a lot about India.” – Jay Leno
“Focus on jobs. This is going to be the shortest speech in history. ‘Hey, there aren’t any. Thank you. Good night.'” – Jay Leno
“Well, tonight in Washington, President Barack Obama gave his State of the Union address before a joint session of Congress. Joint session sounds like more fun than it is.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The speech tonight was pretty much the same thing we hear over and over again, asking us for patience and a willingness to sacrifice, things we are totally unwilling to do as Americans.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“But then after the president spoke, the Republicans gave their rebuttal, during which they pointed out that Obama has repeatedly failed to solve any of the problems they created under President Bush.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Neither one of these parties cares as much about the country as they do about being the one who gets to run the country. It’s a big waste, and it’s a big waste of air time that could be better spent on celebrities ice skating or conveyor belts of love, things like that.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Wal-Mart announced it’s cutting over 11,000 jobs. Wal-Mart said it’s cheaper to fire people in bulk.” – Jay Leno
“That’s an amazing amount of people: 11,000 jobs. The problem is they made the announcement in English, so everybody kept showing up for work.” – Jay Leno
“President Obama has now been called for jury duty in Chicago. I think he should go. I mean, the economy is in bad shape. We could use five bucks a day. Every little bit helps.” – Jay Leno
“Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger announced that California can save money by no longer incarcerating illegal immigrants and just sending them to Mexico instead. Well, actually, today, the immigrants had three words for Schwarzenegger — ‘I’ll be back.'” – Jay Leno
“More problems for Goldman Sachs. Did you know the tax rate it paid on its profits last year was 0.6 percent? And of course, the CEO of Goldman Sachs was furious when he heard this. He said: ‘What? When did we start paying taxes? This is ridiculous.'” – Jay Leno
