“The Supreme Court today ruled in a five votes to four decision that corporations can now spend as much as they want on political campaigns. In other words, if Exxon or Dow wants to support a candidate, they can give him or her as much money as they want. I can’t see that having any negative repercussions, can you?” – Jimmy Kimmel
The court ruled that corporations should be given the same right to free speech as people, which is – I mean, corporations are not people, and if they were people, they’d be real jerks.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“I guess everybody knows that Scott Brown posed naked for Cosmo when he was a law student. See, back then, the GOP stood for ‘grand old package.'” – Jay Leno
“Massachusetts elects a Republican who drives a truck with 200,000 miles on it. It’s a Chevy truck. Which is more hard to believe now: Massachusetts elects a Republican, or Chevy builds a truck that lasts 200,000 miles?” – David Letterman
“Well, in political news, the big upset. A Republican was elected to the U.S. Senate in Massachusetts, filling a seat once held by Ted Kennedy. So, this could tip the delicate balance of power in the U.S. Senate from the completely incompetent back to the morally corrupt.” – Jay Leno
“Anybody here from Massachusetts? You got a new senator, congratulations. Do you know anything about this guy? His name is Scott Brown. Isn’t that the guy Elvis played in ‘Clambake?'” – David Letterman
“But you know the Democratic candidate, was like, two weeks ago, ahead by 20 points. And she blew it. Here’s what happened. Apparently, she put in the Patriots defense.” – David Letterman
“During his acceptance speech Tuesday, newly-elected Senator Scott Brown told the crowd that two of his older daughters are both available. Man, so many great American speeches, right? ‘Four score and seven years ago,’ ‘Ask not what your country can do for you,’ ‘I have a dream,’ and now, ‘My daughters are both available.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“President Obama says he blames himself for the upset in the Massachusetts Senate race because he was too remote. Meanwhile, today in Arizona, John McCain couldn’t find his remote.” – David Letterman
“Former presidential candidate John Edwards has finally admitted that he did father a love child with his former mistress, Rielle Hunter. How does that work? Do you still hand out cigars? Should I send something?” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Well, John Edwards has finally admitted he is the father of Rielle Hunter’s baby. He issued a statement. Really? Who is the statement for? The only person that doesn’t know he’s the father of Rielle Hunter’s baby is Rielle Hunter’s baby.” – Jay Leno
“And by the way, is love child really the best way of describing what happened? I think it was more of a seven gin and tonics child.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Well, this is pretty sleazy. According to Edwards’ former aide, a guy named Andrew Young, he says in an upcoming interview that Edwards asked him to steal a diaper from the baby to do a DNA test. Apparently, the test shows that both the diaper and John Edwards were full of crap.” – Jay Leno
“He released a statement today. Edwards said, ‘It was wrong for me ever to deny she was my daughter and hopefully one day, when she understands, she’ll forgive me.’ Hey, if she inherits that hair, what’s to forgive?” – Jimmy Kimmel
“I just want to mention, if anybody wants to pay me $45 million to go home, I’ll go. I’ll walk home. To Brooklyn. I’m just putting that out there. That’s a lot of money. I hear Haiti is trying to figure out how to get fired by NBC.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Well, today officially marks the beginning of President Obama’s second year in office. Yeah, he has three years left, but NBC offered him $45 million to leave altogether.” -Jimmy Fallon
“As you all know by now, tomorrow is our last show here. I’d like to apologize to the guests that were scheduled for next week: President Barack Obama, the Pope, the Queen of England, and our good friend, Elvis Presley.” -Conan O’Brien
