“Well, a big upset victory, Republican Scott Brown defeated Democrat Martha Chokely, I mean, Coakley.” – Jay Leno
“There was a big Senate race in Massachusetts yesterday, and the winner, Scott Brown, made a victory speech where he mentioned that his two daughters were ‘available.’ At least this explains his campaign slogan: ‘Scott Brown: Creepy for Massachusetts, Creepy for America.'” – Conan O’Brien
“You know that question, what can Brown do for you? Apparently he can stop the Democrat’s health care plan.” – Jay Leno
“When Scott Brown takes office, Democrats will lose their filibuster-proof Senate majority. And he’s vowed to oppose the health care bill. That’s a nice way to start your first day, huh? ‘Hey, I’m the new guy. Hate what you’re doing here.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“The Democrats had a number of explanations as to why they lost Ted Kennedy’s seat. The White House said today, Scott Brown won ’cause he ran a clever campaign. And Harry Reid said he won because he’s a light skinned brown, with no Negro accent. That’s what he said.” – Jay Leno
“Today, by the way, is our president, President Obama’s, one-year anniversary in office. I looked it up. Traditionally on the first anniversary, you give paper, so, I got him his birth certificate.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“You know, it’s hard to believe President Obama has now been in office for a year. Isn’t that amazing? It’s a year. And you know, it’s incredible. He took something that was in terrible, terrible shape, and he brought it back from the brink of disaster: The Republican party.” – Jay Leno
“A new survey found that only 19% of kids give President Obama an ‘A’ on his first year in office. Malia was like, ‘This is the best possible day to tell dad about my ‘D’ in social studies.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Cable news, everyone keeps talking about how much his approval rating has dropped, but he’s the most popular African-American president in history” – Jimmy Kimmel
“This isn’t good. Erroll Southers, Obama’s pick to head the TSA, withdrew his name because he performed an illegal background check on his ex-wife’s boyfriend. Yeah. Still, that’s an improvement from the TSA’s normal procedure: not performing background checks.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Jerry Sanders, the mayor of San Diego, said this week his views on gay marriage have evolved over time. He said he used to be against gay marriage, but now he’s in favor of it. So, sounds like somebody had a hell of a weekend.” – Jay Leno
“More problems for New York Governor David Paterson. He drove across the bridge to New Jersey, apparently he had an intimate lunch with a 34-year-old married woman. An eye witness said, he was cuddling and kissing her neck. Now, I think the governor is a little confused. Just because he’s legally blind, doesn’t mean we can’t see him.” – Jay Leno
“Oh, and New Jersey Governor Jon Corzine has signed legislation making marijuana legal, huh? Well, finally a reason to live in New Jersey.” – Jay Leno
“Well, Sarah Palin is now going to be a VIP guest at next month’s Daytona 500. She won’t have any official role. So it will be like when she ran for vice president.” – Jay Leno
