“Hey, this is pretty big. Sarah Palin is saying that her deal with Fox News wouldn’t keep her from running for president in 2012. However, Palin did admit her deal with Fox News will keep her from winning'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Well, folks, it looks like California’s about to legalize marijuana. Yeah, yeah. You thought Governor Schwarzenegger was hard to understand before.” – Jay Leno
“Listen to this: In 2009, the F.B.I. reported a 20 percent decrease in the number of people robbing banks. There was, however, a huge increase in the number of banks robbing people.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Do you remember the Salahis? Barack Obama throws a state dinner for the prime minister of India. And guess who shows up? The Salahis. Well, they weren’t invited. Tomorrow, they’re going to be appearing before Homeland Security to talk about that. It should be exciting. Ricky Gervais is hosting. It’ll be great.” – David Letterman
“I just read President Obama plans to deliver his State of the Union address next Wednesday, Jan. 27. Until then, he’s just at home going: ‘Please everything get better by Wednesday. Please everything get better by Wednesday.'” – Jimmy Fallon
You can tell the president is losing some of his popularity. Today, Obama and Secretary of Education Arne Duncan visited elementary school kids in Virginia. And the kids were like: ‘Oh, my gosh. It’s Arne Duncan! It’s Arne Duncan, look! Can I have your autograph? It’s Arne Duncan!’ – Jimmy Fallon
“Chrysler is recalling 24,000 cars. May be a problem with the brake system. I said to myself: ‘They sold 24,000 cars. Really? Well, good for them. I mean, who cares if the brakes work? They’re moving cars left and right.'” – David Letterman
“You know up in Massachusetts, the big election, are you following what’s going on up there? Ted Kennedy’s Senate seat is now up for grabs. The election is pretty close. I was thinking, you know, my money is on Jay Leno.” – David Letterman
“Conan says he wants to work for a network that’s more trustworthy than NBC. How about Al Jazeera?” – David Letterman
“Well, all the major airlines have raised their fees to check in baggage. In fact, it’s getting so expensive now to bring bags on board, even people who aren’t terrorists are stuffing things into their underpants.” – Jay Leno
“Now here’s something that I think bothers all of us. Osama bin Laden is still out doing whatever it is he does. And so the F.B.I. updated his likeness. So the F.B.I. has gotten the original photograph, and they’ve enhanced it to show what Osama bin Laden looks like now. And if you’re interested, you can see it. They put it on a carton of goat’s milk.” – David Letterman
“The Shady Lady brothel in Nevada has a 25-year-old man named Marcus, and he’s become the first legal male prostitute in American history. Well, the first one not elected to the United States Senate, of course.” – Jay Leno
